AT DESPAIR, WE HAVE A WAY OF
DEALING WITH UNDERPERFORMERS.
WE GET RID OF THEM. FOR CHEAP.

Not every one of our brilliant products ends up being a best-seller. Sometimes, their duds. Which means they weren't as brilliant as we thought. And thus, we get rid of them- ASAP. (And if the people who wrote these 'brilliant' items don't start writing better stuff, they just might end up joining them. Yes, I'm talking about you, Eric.)

  • Perfect For:

    • Groupthinkers
    • Hand models
    • Members of the United States Cabinet
    • Disaffected college students
    $9
    $5

  • Perfect For:

    • Anyone who ever paid to go to SpaceCamp
    • Especially if they ended up working here
    • Bill Nye, Dr. Brian May, and this guy
    • Your college-age children, who will soon be:
    • Disaffected college students
    $9
    $5

  • Perfect For:

    • Animal rights activists who cannot believe how far we have not come
    • Ernest Hemingway (I hung the poster on the wall. It was funny, and colorful. Jim came with a cup of coffee. The coffee was hot, and good. We looked at the poster and laughed.)
    • Disaffected college students
    $9
    $5

  • The Demotivators 2013 Wall Calendar

    The wait is over! The 2013 Demotivators Calendar is here, and ready to crush you and those you love (and/or don't) all year long! Featuring brand new designs like "Shoot for the Moon", "Keep Calm", and "Love", it's the perfect gift for the person who has everything and still isn't happy about it!

    (And don't forget to pick up its daily companion, The Pessimist!)

    $16
    $6

  • Introducing The Pessimist™

    Featuring over 300 pages of sad statistics, rueful quotes, cynical definitions, bitter cocktail recipes, and oh -did we mention? An epic storyline about a certain unsung genius here at Despair, who contends with his unsupportive girlfriend, passive-aggressive psychiatrist, oppressive employer, and, yeah, Scotchoholism- as he attempts to complete his masterpiece, a 2013 tear-off calendar called, oddly enough, "The Pessimist".

    $15
    $3

  • Exaggerators Anonymous Mug

    $15
    $9

    Exaggerators Anonymous - A Trillion Strong and Growing

  • The Destructor Mug

    $15
    $9

    Choose the form of the destructor.

  • Solyndra Mug

    $15
    $9

    Solyndra - It seemed like a bright idea at the time.

  • Contents Under Pressure Mug

    $15
    $9

    Warning - Contents Under Pressure

  • Highly Acidic Mug

    $15
    $9

    Warning - Highly Acidic

  • Spontaneously Combust Mug

    $15
    $9

    Warning - May Spontaneously Combust

  • Noise Hazard Mug

    $15
    $9

    Noise Hazard - Ear Protection Recommended

  • Time for Action T-Shirt

    $20
    $9

    The Time For Action Is Past. Now is the time for senseless bickering.

  • I Demand Justice T-Shirt

    $20
    $9

    (text) I Demand Justice or, if there mus be injustice, let it be in my favor.

  • Don't Ever Change T-Shirt

    $20
    $9

    (text) Don't Ever Change. I always want to be better than you.

  • End Corruption T-Shirt

    $20
    $9

    End Corruption. Or at least let me participate in it.

  • Please Remain Calm T-Shirt

    $20
    $9

    Please Remain Calm- it's no use both of us being hysterical at the same time.

  • I Expected Times T-Shirt

    $20
    $9

    (text) I Expected Times Like This- but never thought they'd be so bad, so long and so frequent.

  • I Hope The World Doesn't End T-Shirt

    $20
    $9

    (text) I Hope The World Doesn't End on a day when I'm already in a bad mood.

  • Blame My Parents T-Shirt

    $20
    $9

    (text) Blame my parents.

  • Grandkids T-Shirt

    $20
    $9

    You'll tell your grandkids about this moment.

  • ADHD T-Shirt

    $20
    $9

    (text) I don't have ADHD - you're just really boring.

  • I Voted T-Shirt

    $20
    $9

    I Voted - then I vomited.

  • Cluelessness T-Shirt

    $20
    $9

    Clueslessness - There are no stupid questions, but there are a LOT of inquisitive idiots.

  • Mistakes T-Shirt

    $20
    $9

    (text) Mistakes - It could be that the purpose of your life is only to serve as a warning to others

  • Potential T-Shirt

    $20
    $9

    (text) Potential - not everyone gets to be an astronaut when they grow up

  • Worth T-Shirt

    $20
    $9

    Worth: Just because you're necessary doesn't mean your important.

  • Wishes T-Shirt

    $20
    $9

    (text) Wishes - When you wish upon a falling star, your dreams can come true. Unless it's really a meteorite hurtling to the Earth which will destroy all life. Then you're pretty much hosed no matter what you wish for. Unless it's death by meteor.

  • BP T-Shirt

    $20
    $9

    (text) BP: We're bringing oil to American shores.

  • BP Spill T-Shirt

    $20
    $9

    (text) bp

  • Toyota T-Shirt

    $20
    $9

    (text) Toyota: Once you drive one, you'll never stop.

  • Twitter T-Shirt

    $20
    $9

    (text) Twitter: never before have so many people with so little to say said so much to so few.

  • Lyin King T-Shirt

    $20
    $9

    (text) Tiger - The Lyin' King

  • Goldman Sucks T-Shirt

    $20
    $9

    (text) Goldman Sucks

  • Solyndra T-Shirt

    $20
    $9

    (text) Solyndra - It seemed like a bright idea at the time.

  • Spontaneously Combust T-Shirt

    $20
    $9

    (text) Warning May Spontaneously Combust

  • Noise Hazard T-Shirt

    $20
    $9

    (text) Noise Hazard Ear Protection Recommended

  • Highly Acidic T-Shirt

    $20
    $9

    (text) Warning Highly Acidic

  • Caution - Extremely Magnetic T-Shirt

    $20
    $9

    (text) Caution Extremely Magnetic

  • Fingers Crossed T-Shirt

    $20
    $9

    (text) I didn't even want to know 1 random thing about you.

  • Half Full of It T-Shirt

    $20
    $9

    (text) Optimists are half full of it

  • Too Big To Fail T-Shirt

    $20
    $9

    (text on asphalt shirt) Community Cheat: Taxpayers fell for your 'I'm to big to fail' crap - collect $700,000,000,000

  • Get out of Jail T-Shirt

    $20
    $9

    (text on black shirt) Community Cheat: Your 'investment' in congress paid off - get out of jail, free

  • House Arrest T-Shirt

    $20
    $9

    (text on white shirt) Cheat: You bilked widows & orphans with your ponzi scheme. You're under house arrest (in your $8M penthouse)

  • Mt. Crushmore T-Shirt

    $20
    $9

  • Screwed Up T-Shirt

    $20
    $9

    (text) Yikes! And I thought I was screwed up...

  • Cupid Keeps Misssing T-Shirt

    $20
    $9

  • Obsolete T-Shirt

    $20
    $9

  • Fail Whaling T-Shirt

    $20
    $9

  • Young Love T-Shirt

    $20
    $9

    (text) ...She loves me not... (women's variation - ...He loves me not...)

  • Overtime T-Shirt

    $20
    $9

    (text) Overtime Play

  • Rainbow Chasers T-Shirt

    $20
    $9

    (text on truck) Rainbow Chasers

  • Angry Big Bird T-Shirt

    $20
    $9

  • Rad T-Shirt

    $20
    $9

    (text) Rad.

  • Free Tibet T-Shirt

    $20
    $9

    (text) Free Tibet Now! Made in China

  • Mugshot T-Shirt

    $20
    $9

  • One Random Thing T-Shirt

    $20
    $9

  • You Are Here T-Shirt

    $20
    $9

    (text) overhead view - you are here - coolest person in the world

  • Your Blog T-Shirt

    $20
    $9

    (text) More people have read this shirt than your blog.

  • Peerless T-Shirt

    $20
    $9

    (text) Peerless! It's not that I have no equal. It's just that I have not friends.

  • Christian Bale and I are Done T-Shirt

    $20
    $9

    (text) Christian Bale and I are done professionally.

  • Stalker Badge T-Shirt

    $20
    $9

    I just unlocked the 'Stalker' badge.

  • Facebook T-Shirt

    $20
    $9

    (text) Facebook: Let your fingers do the stalking

  • Accept T-Shirt

    $20
    $9

    (text) The more of my behavior you accept, the less you will have to forgive.