• INTRODUCING DESPAIRWEAR.
    IF YOU HAVE DESPAIR ON YOUR MIND,
    WHY NOT PUT IT ON YOUR BODY, TOO?

    Clothes may make the man, but our clothes make the man sad. Most of the time, anyway. Every once in a while they might prompt a chuckle- but it’s only a begrudging, ‘yeah, alright, I get it’ sort of laugh. A bitter joke between fellow pessimists that alleviates the perpetual agony of your clear-sightedness not one tiny bit... (Now, buy some!)

  • CHANCES ARE, YOUR SIZE IS
    THE ONE AREA WHERE YOU'VE
    OVERACHIEVED IN LIFE. SORRY.

    Our tees are 100% soft jersey cotton. Ladies tees have a youthful fit and run small. As a rule, order a size larger than you usually buy. And guys, be honest with yourself. You’re bigger than you think. And it’s not 'cause you’ve been working out. Unless you call lifting a beer to your yap a workout. Mom called you “Husky”. It was cheaper than fat camp.

  • ALL OF OUR DESPAIRWEAR TEES
    ARE PROUDLY MADE IN THE USA.
    BY AMERICANS. WHO ARE ROBOTS.

    All our DespairWear t-shirts are proudly printed right here in the USA. By robots. (Or people who make even less than robots do.) Not that we want you to feel guilty about buying them. In fact, you BETTER buy them. NOW. Or we'll just lay off guys like Topher here. With his big, sad puppy dog eyes. Don't make us fire Topher. Not again.

  • If you work for the NSA, you already know about this t-shirt.

    We'd Tap That

    Perfect for those cold winter nights at Sheremetyevo Airport.

    Perfect For:

    Buy:

  • Everybody deserves the gift of your opinion, but sometimes they're too afraid to ask.  Problem solved.

    Enlighten You

    Finally, a t-shirt worthy of your condescension.

    Perfect For:

    Buy:

  • Facebook. Foursquare. Tumblr. Twitter. It seems like all forms of social media abet some of our worst habits and traits. Narcissism.  Attention Deficit. Even stalking. That's why we made this handy diagram!

    Social Media Venn Diagram

    Social Media. Proudly straddling the intersections of ADHD, Narcissism and Stalking.

    Perfect For:

    Buy:

  • If there's one thing there world needs less of, it's methane dealers. Unfortunately, they're all around us! Like, literally. I'm sitting five feet away from one as I type this! AND IT'S NOT NEARLY FAR ENOUGH AWAY.

    Breaking Wind

    If you happen to be or love a methane dealer, we've got the t-shirt for you!

    Perfect For:

    Buy:

  •  THE NSA  -  In order to save your freedoms, we had to destroy them. 
  
Freedom's just another word for nothing left to lose. And guess what? Since you've already got nothing left to lose, surely you won't mind if we help go ahead and relieve you of that freedom, too? You weren't really using it, right? Great, then! I think we're done here!  (At least, we will be once we send Despair a Cease and Desist letter, and add all their employees to our watch list of potential agitators…)

    NSA Freedom

    In order to save your freedoms, we had to destroy them.

    Perfect For:

    Buy:

  • Poor Tyrion Lannister. The Halfman can't catch a break to save his life! He single-handedly saved King's Landing in the  Battle of Blackwater Bay , then had his Dad show up and steal all the glory AND his job as Hand of the King! BOO!  Express your outrage at his unjustified termination with our "Reappoint Tyrion" t-shirt. Unless you're really on that bastard Tywin's side. In which case, GO SHOP SOMEWHERE ELSE!

    Reappoint Tyrion Lannister

    Express your outrage at his unjustified termination with our "Reappoint Tyrion" t-shirt.

    Perfect For:

    • Shae
    • Podrick Payne
    • Bronn
    • The Pyromancers Guild
    • Well, everyone in King's Landing, really. Except Tywin. (He doesn't wear t-shirts.)

    Buy:

  • Joffrey Lied. People Died.   And now, look at all the unnecessary bloodshed that’s taken place in Westeros since King Joffrey decided he knew best how to get ahead.   Join us in calling for him to be deposed!

    Depose Joffrey

    Joffrey Lied. People Died. And now, look at all the unnecessary bloodshed.

    Perfect For:

    • Neeeeeerrrrrrrrrrds!
    • Aspiring politicians who lack the electoral votes necessary to ascend to the Iron Throne of Westeros
    • I don’t know, dragons or unicorns or something
    • Disaffected college students

    Buy:

  • "We shall fight on the beaches, we shall fight on the landing grounds, we shall fight in the fields and in the streets, we shall fight in the latrines..."

    Call of Duty

    When duty calls, you must answer.

    Perfect For:

    • Fans of our trademark dry, urbane, sophisticated, salad-days-of-The New Yorker sense of humor
    • Ha ha ha ha ha ha! Get it?
    • "Duty."
    • Disaffected college students

    Buy:

  • Disgusted with the world? Disappointed by life? Of course you are. So why not say it as succinctly, yet eloquently, as possible?

    Ugh

    Sometimes it just takes three letters (and a period) to express your worldview. This is one of those times.

    Perfect For:

    • Taciturn complainers
    • Warding off conversations with bright-eyed optimists
    • The world-weary, yet fashionable
    • Disaffected college students

    Buy:

  • You don’t have to be a  shotgun-toting Clint Eastwood  to strike a little fear in the hearts of all the spastic little obnoxious whippersnappers out there.  Just pop on our  “Get Off My Lawn” t-shirt and some shiny cop glasses and trust us, they’ll know you mean business!

    Get Off My Lawn

    Strike a little fear in the hearts of all the spastic little obnoxious whippersnappers out there.

    Perfect For:

    • Philo and Clyde
    • Imaginary presidents in empty chairs
    • Punks who feel lucky
    • Texas Castle Doctrinists
    • The neighbors of loud party-hosting drunken disaffected college students

    Buy:

  • Like the Hunger Games- many will play. And only one may be left standing.

    The Drinking Games

    Like the Hunger Games- many will play. And only one may be left standing.

    Perfect For:

    • Parents who are nerdy and drunk enough to name their kids "Katniss" or "Peeta"
    • Thirsty Panemians
    • Disaffected college students

    Buy:

  • A shirt like this brightens any social gathering.  It lets people know they don't have to worry any more.  You're here.  You're going to make it better- just with your presence.  Because you're YOU.

    I'm Here Now

    Is your very presence a reason for calm? Relief? Joy? Then why not announce it?

    Perfect For:

    • Doctors with messiah complexes, or in other words:
    • Doctors
    • Your ever-expanding ego (note: shirt available in sizes up to 3XL!)
    • Disaffected college students

    Buy:

  • Choose the form of the Destructor.  Choose and perish!  Will it be an Elephant? A Jackass?  Or Puffed-up Marshmallow Man?  It doesn't matter- whichever form you pick, it's still a Destructor.  And it's only good at one thing.

    The Destructor

    Choose the form of the Destructor! Elephant? Jackass? Choose! Choose and perish!

    Perfect For:

    Buy:

  • The first rule of Mime Club is…   

(What?  You can't figure it out?  Well, if you're truly stumped, ask a mime to explain it.  THEN beat them up.  Seriously… You know you want to.)

    Mime Club

    (If you don't get it, ask a mime to explain. THEN beat him up. You know you want to.)

    Perfect For:

    • Silent Tyler Durden
    • Marcel Marceau
    • Criminals sentenced to spend the rest of their lives in invisible boxes
    • All of us in whom mimes awaken a childlike sense of wonder and an unrelenting sense of terror
    • Disaffected clown college students

    Buy:

  • "No refunds.  Cash in advance."  -  If you're not exactly rocking the body of a Greek god, this shirt can be an absolute laugh-a-thon.  The bigger you are, the funnier it is.  (But seriously, if you're all cut and six-packy, don't bother.  It'll just make you look like a jerk.)

    Personal Trainer

    Want to make a quick buck as a fitness trainer without being fit? Ask for cash up front!

    Perfect For:

    • That one guy at your office who won’t shut up about kettle bells and PX90 or whatever
    • Rep. Paul Ryan
    • People who like The Cheesecake Factory, but really wish it had a smoking section
    • Doomed-to-fail dieters
    • Disaffected college students

    Buy:

  • Caution.  The person you're about to enjoy is extremely hot.  Seriously.  So hot they need to wear a warning label to protect others from their hotness.  This is that warning.

    Extremely Hot

    Are you hotter than a piping Venti Double Expresso? Maybe you ought to warn folks.

    Perfect For:

    Buy:

  • Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder.  Remember those unenlightened times when we called it 'childhood?'  Before drug manufacturers had marketing departments?  We do!

    Powered by ADHD

    ADHD. Some of us recall when it used to be called 'being a kid' and didn't require meds.

    Perfect For:

    • Carefree kids and the pharmaceutical companies who see them as cash cows (here’s looking at you, Novartis)
    • Fred Baughman
    • Tom Cruise
    • Disaffected college students

    Buy:

  • Hilarious, right?  It's the perfect conversation starter!  But better yet, it's the perfect conversation  ender , too!  All it takes is a theatrical sigh to unlock it's devastating conversation-destroying power.  Use it wisely, friend!

    Conversation

    Introducing a t-shirt that's as good a conversation starter as a conversation ender!

    Perfect For:

    Buy:

  • Are you constantly the Center of Attention?  Or do you wish you were?  Buy and wear this shirt.  We promise you, you will be…  (Really, it works!  We tried it!)

    Center of Attention

    Wish you could be the Center of Attention for a change? This shirt can help. Really.

    Perfect For:

    • Adorable toddlers and adults with intellects comparable to same
    • Celebrities not yet tired of being stalked by paparazzi
    • Disaffected college students

    Buy:

  • One of the most enduring t-shirt memes of all time., 'That's How I Roll!', finally meets it match in Despair's 'Sisyphus' t-shirt.  If YOU feel like you've cursed by fate to push boulders uphill forever, why not do it in ironic style?

    Sisyphus

    Meet the pessimistic answer to the "That's How I Roll" meme! It's all Greek to us!

    Perfect For:

    • Queen Persephone, that clever girl
    • Albert Camus
    • Anyone working in a job that requires constantly doing the same thing over and over again with no point or real end in sight, not that you’d know anyone like that
    • δυσαρεστημένους φοιτητές

    Buy:

  • The Ocean's Hamburger!  -   (Get it?  It's a Sea Cow?  And Cow-meat is where hamburgers… What?  You're offended?  Well, don't buy this shirt then.  Actually, please do.  Please?  It's a big laugh generator.  Or a fight starter. One of those.)

    Manatee

    Tuna is the Chicken of the Sea. The Sea Cow is the Hamburger. (Yeah. We went there.)

    Perfect For:

    • The animal rights activist with no sense of humor
    • The coastal developer with no sense of shame
    • Your vegan friend
    • Disaffected college students

    Buy:

  • Are you- or something you love- a habitual exaggerator?  Don't worry- you're not alone.  There's millions of us out there- always stretching the truth for the sake of drama or comedy.  Actually, it's trillions by now.  For real.  No really.

    Exaggerators Anonymous

    Exaggeration is a terrible habit. Yet trillions of us can't seem to help ourselves.

    Perfect For:

    • Literally every single person in the universe
    • Résumé advisers
    • Mark Twain's obituarist
    • Ben Lyons
    • Disaffected Ph.D. candidates who are really disaffected GED prep class dropouts

    Buy:

  • Our two 'official' Transportation Security Administration t-shirts are perfect travel companions.  This one says, 'We're making travel a touching experience.'  And if you wear it while you travel, you'll REALLY have a touching experience!

    TSA Touching Experience

    Wear this TSA shirt next time you fly and you'll REALLY have a touching experience!

    Buy:

  • Your naked photos are safe with us.  Don't worry. It's just our little secret.  Between you, me, the fence post, 60,000 other TSA employees, and whatever intelligence agencies can hack our crappy systems.  Totally safe.

    TSA Shirt

    Don't worry. Your naked photos are safe with with the TSA. Really. Trust them.

    Perfect For:

    Buy:

  • The Crane Technique… No less a Karate Master than Pat Morita himself once said, 'If do right, no can defense.'  
  
 Thanks, Pat.  Thanks a lot.

    The Crane Technique

    Karate Master Pat Morita once said, "If do right, no can defense." (Thanks, Pat. Thanks a lot.)

    Perfect For:

    • Merciless leg-sweepers
    • Pre-Oscar Hilary Swank
    • Your dork ass, naturally
    • Disaffected dojo students and their sadistic senseis

    Buy:

  • Everyone loves a great vintage tee!  But NOT everyone loves buying used clothes. Nor should they!  Who knows what kinda depravity went on in that cool vintage tee you love?  That's why OUR pre-distressed Vintage tees are brand new!   Why hasn't someone done this before?!

    Vintage!

    Do you LOVE hip vintage swag- but HATE wearing used clothing? Here's your solution!

    Perfect For:

    • Distressed people who love distressed clothing
    • Music fans born in the '90s who still insist on buying vinyl records
    • Self-hating retrophobes
    • The ironically-mustachioed
    • Disaffected college students

    Buy:

  • The world's fastest man has a terrible secret.  He lives a double-life as a serial exhibitionist.  Yeah,  The Flash likes to flash!   Of course, he's managed to keep it a secret all these years because, hey… Dude is crazy fast!

    The Flash

    The world's fastest man has a dark secret. He lives a double-life as a serial flasher!

    Perfect For:

    • Paul Reubens and Fred Willard
    • Silver Age of DC Comics devotees (whom we must ask: Really?)
    • Disaffected college students

    Buy:

  • Vote Whig.  Seriously.  They can't possibly be worse.  What?  You thought they were as dead as Fillmore?  No, they're still around.  Seriously.  They need your vote.  And they at least deserve it more than these two asses in charge!

    Vote Whig

    Vote Whig. Yes, we're dead serious. They can't possibly be worse.

    Perfect For:

    • Admirers of William Henry Harrison’s 30-day presidency
    • Disenchanted Free Soilers and Know Nothings in search of a new defunct political party
    • Disaffected history majors

    Buy:

  • Bad news, Vader.  Even the awesome power of the Dark Side has its limits.  You can't just traipse around the galaxy making baby mamas out of the Queen of Naboo (or was it Na-booty- zing!) and not be responsible!   Worse news… It's TWINS!

    Paternity

    Bad news, Vader. Even the awesome power of the Dark Side has its limits.

    Perfect For:

    • The poor process server who had to deliver that writ of garnishment to the Death Star
    • James Earl Jones and Hayden Christensen (our shirts are available in a wide range of sizes!)
    • Your jerk dad
    • Disaffected college students

    Buy:

  • What?  You think that's a duck?  It's not a duck.  It's a dragon.  And it's sick fierce, too, kids.  Worse than those wussy dragons in Skyrim that just sit there and let you pound on them forever.  Yeah, I said it.  Deal.

    Enter the Dragon

    No, it's not a duck, kids. In fact, it's a lot tougher than those pansy Skyrim dragons.

    Perfect For:

    • Warren Robinett
    • Yorgle and Grundle, who are hoping for their own shirts someday
    • That annoying bat
    • Disaffected college students who ironically play Atari 2600 games

    Buy:

  • General Motors needed a bailout- bigtime.  Fortunately, the Federal Government was ready and willing to spend taxpayer money to make it happen.  All they asked was a little bit of rebranding.  And here it is.

    Government Motors

    The Feds bailed out General Motors. All they asked in return was a wee bit of rebranding.

    Perfect For:

    • Michael Moore and Roger Smith
    • Chevrolet Volt drivers who have not yet caught on fire
    • Disaffected college students

    Buy:

  • Until your spread your wings, you'll have no idea how far you can walk.  What?  You thought you could fly?  Look at yourself.  You're a flightless waterfowl of a person if we've ever seen one.  Stop flapping.  You'll be happier.  And look less idiotic, too.

    Limitations

    Until your spread your wings, you'll have no idea how far you can walk.

    Perfect For:

    • Lyle Lovett
    • The Despair, Inc. copywriter who just now realized he has run out of penguin jokes; how come we have so many penguin-themed designs is what he wants to know
    • Disaffected college students

    Buy:

    This item is currently sold out!
  • Just because you've always done it that way doesn't mean it's not incredibly stupid.  Take the Running of the Bulls.  I mean, jeez!  It's been going on for a century. Why not just go jogging and not risk perforated spleens.  Dumb!

    Tradition

    Just because you've always done it that way doesn't mean it's not incredibly stupid.

    Perfect For:

    Buy:

  • Optimists and Pessimists aren't the only ones with perspectives on a glass!
  
 (Oh- and speaking of  Perspectives on a Glass... ?)

    Points of View

    Optimists and Pessimists aren't the only ones with perspectives on a glass!

    Perfect For:

    • Teetotalers who refuse to participate in The Drinking Games
    • Customers who wish all of our glassware was 100% cotton and shirt-shaped
    • General Jack D. Ripper and Group Captain Lionel Mandrake
    • Disaffected college students

    Buy:

  • If you think the problems we create are bad, just wait until your see our solutions.  One of our most popular Demotivator designs makes the leap to t-shirt form- and did it beautifully!  Buy it now, tax-free! (Unless you live in Texas.)

    Government

    If you think the problems we create are bad, just wait until you see our solutions!

    Perfect For:

    • Democrats (also known as Republicans)
    • Republicans (also known as Democrats)
    • Independents (also known as those of us who can’t read the news without drinking very, very heavily)
    • The sad, sad American taxpayer
    • Disaffected student council presidents

    Buy:

  • Don't bother to look it up.  I'm the definition.  -- Are you so dang amazing you simply defy conventional superlatives?  Then you're WICKEDOSITY, baby!  YOU're the definition- and this shirt is your proof… Get it!

    Wickedosity

    Are you so dang amazing you simply defy conventional superlatives? Here's your shirt!

    Perfect For:

    • Arrogant lexicographers, especially:
    • The snobs at the Oxford English Dictionary who refuse to write an entry for this indisputably bad-ass new word
    • Students of the neologism
    • Disaffected college students

    Buy:

  • If you don't like my opinion of you, you can always improve.  Really. And when you wear this shirt, you'll let others know they can, too.  All they have to do is ask. (Actually, they don't even have to ask.)

    My Opinion

    Do you take self-improvement very seriously- especially when it comes to others?

    Perfect For:

    • Givers of unsolicited advice, which is to say:
    • Every single one of your relatives
    • Whiny Yelp reviewers who wanted to like this shirt, but thought it was just meh
    • Disaffected college students

    Buy:

  • In a world overcrowded with ironic t-shirts, this one achieves absolute sublimity.  What shirt could possibly be more ironic than this?  Wear it - AND WIN THE IRONIC SHIRT WARS FOREVER.

    Irony

    The race to create the world's most ironic t-shirt is finally over. And guess who won?

    Perfect For:

    • Alanis Morissette, once she buys a dictionary
    • Frustrated rhetoricians
    • Detached hipsters
    • The scores of scientifically illiterate customers who have written us angry emails demanding we explain this shirt
    • Disaffected chemistry majors

    Buy:

  • It's the ultimate knock-knock joke.  Stand before people and watch them inevitably ask, 'Who's there?'  Then turn and listen to the nervous squeals of laughter as your turn and provide the answer nobody wants, but we'll all get.

    Knock Knock

    It's the ultimate knock-knock joke. Tell it- and watch the color drain from their faces.

    Perfect For:

    Buy:

  • American Industry isn't what it was… Millions of jobs have gone overseas - where American products can be made better,  and for less.  But at Despair, the pride is back!

    Made In USA By Robots

    Not all jobs have gone overseas... This t-shirt was Made in the USA! (By robots.)

    Perfect For:

    • Americans who work in the manufacturing industry
    • There are some of you left, right?
    • Anyone? Anyone?
    • OK, then, disaffected college students, we guess

    Buy:

  • Superiority complex? Not at all. In fact, it couldn't be simpler! Just use this formula! I>U.

    The Superioritee

    Superiority complex? Not at all. In fact, it couldn't be simpler! Just use this formula! I>U.

    Perfect For:

    • Truly Superior People
    • Truly Deluded People
    • Truly Superior Yet Deluded People
    • Yours truly, who is superior to all of the above. (and you, no offense.)

    Buy:

  • The shirt that launched a thousand angry emails. (Santa getting sucked into a jet engine? OK! Santa pepper-spraying an elf? YOU'VE GONE TOO FAR THIS TIME, DESPAIR!)

    Occupy the North Pole

    Santa does not recognize your right to peaceably assemble.

    Perfect For:

    • Those for whom "occupation" does not mean "job"
    • Ketchup, wherever she is
    • Radical vegans and rich CEOs, all unamused by our disrespect and tomfoolery
    • Disaffected college students

    Buy:

  • Rudolph, the red-nosed reindeer, you'll go down in history! Or flames. Probably flames.

    Midnight

    Don't make the United States angry, Santa. You wouldn't like us when we're angry.

    Perfect For:

    • Drone manufacturers
    • Secretary Janet Napolitano
    • Missile defense enthusiasts still angry about last year's stocking full of coal
    • Disaffected college students

    Buy:

  • The North Pole might be frozen, but Santa's mortgage was still underwater.

    Bankrupt

    The economy has to get worse before it gets better. Or before it gets worse. Much, much worse.

    Perfect For:

    • Fannie Mae
    • Real estate investors looking for the challenge of their lives
    • Tim Geithner
    • Disaffected college students

    Buy:

  • Be sure to calibrate your rifle scope. This public service announcement brought to you by Despair, Inc.

    Nice Shot

    The elves are having venison tonight.

    Perfect For:

    • The NRA
    • Dick Cheney
    • Ted Nugent
    • Disaffected college students

    Buy:

  • In the pilot's defense, it's really Santa's fault for flying at 30,000 feet.

    Night Before Christmas

    "And if you look out the right window, you'll see...uh, scratch that. Please do not look out the right window."

    Perfect For:

    • Employees of America's few remaining solvent airlines
    • Passengers on the red-eye from Dallas to the North Pole
    • Sully Sullenberger
    • Disaffected college students

    Buy: