FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE
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DESPAIR, INC. FOUNDER DR. E.L. KERSTEN CHALLENGES STEVE JOBS TO "DEMOTIVATE(TM)" HIS MINIONS AT APPLE
DALLAS, TX - November 8, 1998 - With stock prices soaring, a hot-selling new computer, and word of its return-from-death's brink finally on the lips of someone other than Don Crabb, demoralization is at an all time low within Apple Computer.
It is difficult to find a person within the entire company who isn't glad to work there. Really glad. And this led Despair, Inc.'s founder and COO Dr. E.L.Kersten to issue a challenge directly to Steve Jobs, during a recent visit to Apple's headquarters.
"You need to take some serious action, Steve, fire some people capriciously, or create a clunky, overpriced computer named after a girl to get the STINK back in the air here, because you are being killed by Microsoft again." Kersten was apparently referring to the unusual number of Demotivators(tm) products being purchased by employees of Microsoft.
Jobs, in his high, clear voice, said only, "Don't diss on Lisa, Edward."
Kersten's motivation for the irregular visit was a selfish one. Over a year ago, the marketing staff of Despair, Inc. had convinced him that depressed stock option values, directionless management and legendary despair within Apple's rank and file would prove, "the trip to bountiful".
Over the next 9 months, the team engineered a multi-million dollar campaign to directly target Apple employees. It created the first Demotivator(tm) print designed specifically after a company. The design depicted the once-luscious heroine from Apple's groundbreaking "1984" commercial as a bloated, miserable wretch who, in Kersten's words, "was severely pressure-testing the elasticity of her orange windshorts". She is finishing last in a marathon, with a caption reading, "APPLE: The Power to Be Your Worst."
But, by the time the initiative was primed for launch, Jobs had returned to lead the company to profitability. Apple's stock price had tripled. The new iMac was obliterating sales records across the globe. And Despair, Inc. was left without a bitter Apple employee to sell to.
Kersten was infuriated. In response to the costly blunder, he fired the entire marketing team in an infamously cruel company speech he titled, "Think Different, Elsewhere."
Ex-marketing director John Robinson said of the speech, "Utterly debasing. It was the verbal equivalent of a freemasonic disemboweling ritual. The only thing he didn't do was put stones in our pockets afterwards."
Trauma from mass termination led to a brief rise in sales of Demotivators(tm) products to ex-employees of Despair, Inc., but was otherwise fruitless.
So after the wasted visit to Cupertino, what of the 10,000 prints? Kersten says he has a contingency plan.
"I'm currently negotiating with ex-Apple marketing personnel for a mailing list of licensed Newton owners and software developers. They should still be in enough pain to appreciate them."
The Newton was Apple's foray into creating a Personal Digital Assistant (PDA), and was recently discontinued at Jobs' behest. The product struggled for years to gain market acceptance, but could not because of handwriting recognition problems (it only read 5 letters) and its weight (24.2 lbs.). The decision to discontinue left tens of thousands of angry users without an upgrade path, diminished writing skills and strangely disproportional biceps.
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