"...I was perplexed and frankly, more than a little amazed by it all..." ABOVE: Despair's Dr. E.L.Kersten expresses his surprise at the extent of the outrage over his intended lawsuit.

"Good morning, ladies and gentlemen of the press and citizens of the world.

"The outcry of our trademarking of the frowny emoticon has been deafening and from every corner of the globe. At first, I was inclined to pay little attention to the matter, since the earliest overseas complaints were from France and they�ll complain about anything. But soon their cries were joined by complaints from the less whine-prone nations of Germany and Sweden. Not long thereafter, even the imperturbable citizens of Russia were writing agonized emails, begging me not to outlaw the use of the frowny symbol in email.

"I was perplexed and frankly, more than a little amazed by it all.

"I reflected privately on what might be at the heart of this global cacophony. While I am not a man given easily to emotion, I found that I could not help but be moved by the cries and pleadings of so many despairing souls from every tribe and nation. 'After all', I asked myself, 'are these not the same souls for whom I created Despair Inc. in the first place? Are they not the ones whose very grief has enriched me beyond my wildest expectations? Are they not my people'?

"Contemplation consumed me into the wee hours of Sunday morning, when in an exhausted epiphany I finally realized the abject error of my decision, the foolishness of my plan.

"I now admit, to my great chagrin, that I was wrong. And I am prepared to make amends.

"To make illegal any use of this sad symbol in email would be to rob people of all tongues of the most succinct expression of despair available to mankind. It is tantamount to forcing the Frenchman to type instead, "Je suis de desespoir!", the German, "Ich bin am Verzweifeln!" or the Italian, "Sono nella disperazione!". It would be cruel and unusual to do this. And in light of this fact, I am prepared this very day to offer a compromise, a concession that will allow the continued legal use of our trademarked frowny symbol in emails of every language.

"Starting today, I have authorized our company to begin selling legally-approved sad emoticons to the global community via our very own website, under the tradename Frownies™. As a result, anyone who wishes to continue to use this legally-trademarked logo in their email will now be able to purchase a supply from www.despair.com and use them with our blessing, provided that they do not violate the terms of their end-user licensing agreement.

"As must be obvious, an opportunity of this magnitude presents commensurate challenges, not the least of which is the spectre of manufacturing enough product to satisfy the international demand. It is a Herculean task, one made all the more difficult by an imperfect process. While I am not at liberty to disclose the particulars, I can at least state that manufacturing Frownies™ requires a computer, a word processor, and of course, a human being. Like many companies that employ thousands and have as many computers on their network, we have been getting by with only one registered copy of Microsoft Word shared by all. Our stinginess has come back to haunt us, since it now precludes us from assigning more than one person to the task of manufacturing Frownies™ at time. Since our sole legal copy of Word is registered to the company proofreader, Dane Burke, he has been given the initial responsibility for manufacturing Frownies™.

MANUFACTURING WOES: Dyslexic high-school dropout Dane Burke struggles to complete the manufacturing process for a limited-edition, super-sized "Frowny™". He will fail.

"Unfortunately, in addition to having the sole legal copy of Microsoft Word, Dane also has acute dyslexia. I think it goes without saying that this has led to something of a suboptimal manufacturing process, with a defect-yield comparable to that of Plasma-display manufacturing. For every 100 Frownies(tm) that roll off the assembly line, about 30 end up being defective. Most commonly, they are missing a nose. Often, they end with a closed-parenthesis instead of an open one, resulting a "Smiley". Because of the potential for an improperly constructed Frowny™ to miscommunicate one's disposition, all defective ones are immediately destroyed. We would ask for your patience as we attempt to find ways to streamline this imperfect process.

"Nevertheless, in spite of the challenges we face, I must state in closing that I could not be more excited about the opportunity to provide the world with a legal means to continue using this celebrated symbol of sorrow in their email communications. While I remain no fan of compromise, when it has the opportunity to so greatly enrich the communications of so many unhappy people while even more greatly enriching myself, it can said to be sublime."