• Motivational Products Don't Work.
    But our Demotivator® Products
    Don't Work Even Better.

    When we started Despair, we had a dream. To crush other people's dreams. But we knew, given our goal, we'd be in for a fight. After all, the Motivation Industry has been crushing dreams for decades, selling the easy lie of success you can buy. That's why we decided to differentiate ourselves- by crushing dreams with hard truths!

  • INTRODUCING THE MOST POWERFUL
    DEPRESSANTS YOU CAN GET
    WITHOUT A PRESCRIPTION. OR WITH.

    At Despair, we're committed to fighting the War on Hope with its very own weapons. Our products are beautifully reverse-engineered from the most powerful motivational wares ever inflicted on mankind, and will depress you every bit as much- without subjecting you to lies about your potential. Hope won’t stand a chance against you!

  • MOTIVATIONAL PRODUCTS REALLY CAN
    MAKE YOU WILDLY SUCCESSFUL.
    (IF YOU SELL THEM, THAT IS...)

    Motivational products are anything but. While they briefly raise hopes with induced delusions about the untapped potential greatness within, sooner or later reality intrudes, and you realize the only people made rich and successful by motivational products are the ones selling them to gullible chumps (i.e. you). Stop the inanity!

  • WITH EVERY SINGLE PRODUCT WE SELL,
    WE OFFER A COMPLETE, PERSONAL
    GUARANTEE OF SATISFACTION.

    “You read it right. I hereby solemnly guarantee to be completely and perfectly satisfied with any and every purchase made at Despair.com. Your mileage, meanwhile, may vary. (And I’ll guarantee that, too.)”

    Dr. E.L. Kersten, Co-Founder & COO, Despair, Inc.

  • Build Your Own 2015 Calendar

    You choose your start month, your favorite demotivational designs, and we'll print it and ship it to you in no time! It's the perfect year-round heartbreaker!

  • Life doesn't always want to be grabbed by the horns.

    Caution

    Life doesn't always want to be grabbed by the horns.

    Perfect For:

    • Customers who wanted to see our Tradition design taken to its logical conclusion
    • Unreliable rodeo clowns
    • Disaffected college students
  • If wishes were horses then dreamers would ride.  But they're much more like cattle, so best grab a shovel.

    Wishes (Cow)

    If wishes were horses then dreamers would ride. But they're much more like cattle, so best grab a shovel.

    Perfect For:

    • Little dogies in need of gittin' along
    • Your all-hat-and-no-cattle manager
    • Aggies
    • Disaffected students at one of them fancy book-learnin' places
  • It takes genuine talent to see greatness in yourself despite your absence of genuine talent.

    Self Esteem (pawn)

    It takes genuine talent to see greatness in yourself despite your absence of genuine talent.

  • Action will be taken to prevent the next disaster as soon as possible after it has occurred.

    Preservation

    Action will be taken to prevent the next disaster as soon as possible after it has occurred.

    Perfect For:

  • A friend is just a stranger you haven't alienated yet.

    Friendship

    A friend is just a stranger you haven't alienated yet.

    Perfect For:

    • Ross, Rachel, Joey, Chandler, Monica, and Phoebe, the characters on a beloved '90s sitcom the name of which eludes us at the moment
    • Your best pal in the world, who you relentlessly talk about behind her back
    • Disaffected college students
  • Those who say it cannot be done should not interrupt those busy proving them right.

    Foresight

    Those who say it cannot be done should not interrupt those busy proving them right.

    Perfect For:

    • Starry-eyed dreamers in full body casts
    • Those who refuse to let the laws of physics tell them how to have a good time
    • That cynic in the QA department
    • Disaffected college students

    Buy:

  • You don't have to be crazy to work here, but if you are, you'll be taken care of.

    Commitment

    You don't have to be crazy to work here, but if you are, you'll be taken care of.

    Perfect For:

    • Nurses with the most depressing work assignment ever
    • Adolescents in need of repair
    • Nurse Ratched, Mac, and The Chief
    • REALLY disaffected college students
  • Those who do not learn from cliches are destined to repeat them.

    Platitudes

    Those who do not learn from cliches are destined to repeat them.

  • Even the most ambitious little pebble will never grow up to be a big rock.

    Destiny (Rock)

    Even the most ambitious little pebble will never grow up to be a big rock.

    Perfect For:

    • Zen masters
    • Small, small people with big, big dreams
    • The fruitlessly ambitious
    • Disaffected college students
  • I hear the call to do nothing and am doing my best to answer it.

    Aspiration

    I hear the call to do nothing and am doing my best to answer it.

    Perfect For:

    • Pretty much any government employee
    • Extreme nappers, aggro sitters, adventure slumberers, and adherents of the P90Nap workout
    • Disaffected college students

    Buy:

  • Your attitude determines your altitude about as much as that platitude inspires my gratitude.

    Attitude

    Your attitude determines your altitude about as much as that platitude inspires my gratitude.

    Perfect For:

    • Motivational industry refuseniks
    • Enemies of hyper-positive wordplay
    • Employees fed up with meaningless management propaganda
    • Disaffected college students
  • If you think it's lonely at the top, just wait 'til you try the bottom.

    Insignificance

    If you think it's lonely at the top, just wait 'til you try the bottom.

    Perfect For:

    • Interns
    • Entry-level employees
    • Goldfish fanciers
    • Disaffected college students

    Buy:

  • I believe that children are our future.  And that terrifies me.

    Knowledge

    I believe that children are our future. And that terrifies me.

    Perfect For:

    • Hanging in a well-concealed area of your teachers' lounge
    • Students who see nothing wrong with the pictured equation
    • Disaffected college instructors

    Buy:

  • The art of doing twice as much as you should half as well as you could.

    Multitasking

    The art of doing twice as much as you should half as well as you could.

    Perfect For:

    • Overextended employees and the bosses who don't care about them
    • Those who have the confidence to screw up two things at once
    • Spork enthusiasts
    • Disaffected college students

    Buy:

  • If you're happy and you know it, clap your hands.  And put your face between 'em when you do.  You'll save me a lot of trouble.  Thanks.

    Positivity

    If you're happy and you know it, clap your hands. And put your face between 'em when you do. You'll save me a lot of trouble. Thanks.

    Perfect For:

    • Pollyannas
    • Optimist Club members whose meeting place has been foreclosed upon
    • Creepy guys who tell every woman they see to smile
    • Disaffected college students
  • You can't always get what you want, but if you try sometimes, you just might find you can get what you need taken from you by the government.

    Taxes

    You can't always get what you want, but if you try sometimes, you just might find you can get what you need taken from you by the government.

    Perfect For:

    • Our customers in Texas, who have to pay sales tax on our products in order to keep our state's roads in constant disrepair
    • Accountants, for whom April is definitely not the cruellest month
    • Disaffected college students with jobs, who are just now learning about the joys of FICA
  • Teamwork is the fuel that allows common people to achieve uncommon results, provided they don't mind you calling them "common people".

    Results

    Teamwork is the fuel that allows common people to achieve uncommon results, provided they don't mind you calling them "common people".

    Perfect For:

  • You can fool all of the people all of the time if your effects budget is large enough.

    Accomplishments

    You can fool all of the people all of the time if your effects budget is large enough.

    Perfect For:

  • You can do anything you set your mind to when you have vision, determination, and an endless supply of expendable labor.

    Achievement

    You can do anything you set your mind to when you have vision, determination, and an endless supply of expendable labor.

    Perfect For:

    Buy:

  • The discovery that you're no longer a big fish in a small pond, or even a small fish in a big pond, but a small fish in a big fish.

    Acquisition

    The discovery that you're no longer a big fish in a small pond, or even a small fish in a big pond, but a small fish in a big fish.

    Perfect For:

    Buy:

  • The bad news is robots can do your job now.  The good news is we're now hiring robot repair technicians.  The worse news is we're working on robot-fixing robots- and we do not anticipate any further good news.

    Adaptation

    The bad news is robots can do your job now. The good news is we're now hiring robot repair technicians. The worse news is we're working on robot-fixing robots- and we do not anticipate any further good news.

    Perfect For:

    Buy:

  • Keep living life like there's no tomorrow and you'll be right sooner than you think.

    Adventure

    Keep living life like there's no tomorrow and you'll be right sooner than you think.

    Perfect For:

    • Foolhardy bike messengers
    • Semi-suicidal BMX enthusiasts
    • Teenage YOLO-ists
    • Disaffected college students

    Buy:

  • The journey of a thousand miles sometimes ends very, very badly.

    Ambition

    The journey of a thousand miles sometimes ends very, very badly.

    Perfect For:

    • Salmon with delusions of grandeur
    • Hungry bears looking for something to go with that delicious beurre blanc
    • Non-vegetarians living in the Pacific Northwest (both of them)
    • Disaffected college students

    Buy:

  • Because the rest of us think you're an idiot.

    Believe in Yourself

    Because the rest of us think you're an idiot.

    Perfect For:

    • Meryl Streep in The River Wild
    • John C. Reilly in The River Wild
    • Kevin Bacon in, weirdly enough, She's Having a Baby
    • Disaffected college students with unjustifiably high self-esteem

    Buy:

  • I expected times like this - but I never thought they'd be so bad, so long, and so frequent.

    Challenges

    I expected times like this - but I never thought they'd be so bad, so long, and so frequent.

    Perfect For:

    Buy:

  • Politicians are like diapers.  They need to be changed often and for the same reason.

    Change

    Politicians are like diapers. They need to be changed often and for the same reason.

    Perfect For:

    • 535 Americans who shall remain nameless
    • The seven remaining people who still trust the political process
    • Residents of states without term limits
    • Disaffected college students

    Buy:

  • Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, concerned individuals can change the world.  Indeed, it's how we got stuck with the IRS, the Federal Reserve and the Mafia.

    Change (Mafia)

    Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, concerned individuals can change the world. Indeed, it's how we got stuck with the IRS, the Federal Reserve and the Mafia.

    Perfect For:

    • Owners of earnestly bumper-stickered Volvos
    • Ben Bernanke, of course
    • The Chicken Man
    • Disaffected college students

    Buy:

  • There are no stupid questions, but there are a LOT of inquisitive idiots.

    Cluelessness

    There are no stupid questions, but there are a LOT of inquisitive idiots.

    Perfect For:

    • Tech support employees
    • Our beleaguered customer service team
    • Journalists
    • Dimwits who write us asking "Are you really suing people for trademark infringement?"
    • Disaffected college students

    Buy:

  • When a motivated group of people join together, they can turn problems into opportunities.  Especially drinking problems.

    Collaboration

    When a motivated group of people join together, they can turn problems into opportunities. Especially drinking problems.

    Perfect For:

    • Charles Bukowski fan clubs
    • The student body of Dartmouth College
    • Disaffected college students

    Buy:

  • Just like teamwork.  Only without the work.

    Committees

    Just like teamwork. Only without the work.

    Perfect For:

    • Blue-ribbon panels
    • Red-ribbon panels
    • Sad, sad brown-ribbon panels
    • Disaffected college students tricked into serving on their campus group's refreshments committee

    Buy:

  • It's only a virtue if you're not a screwup.

    Consistency

    It's only a virtue if you're not a screwup.

    Perfect For:

    • Baldrick
    • Tiny archers
    • Dane Cook
    • The Buffalo Bills
    • Disaffected college students

    Buy:

  • If you're not a part of the solution, there's good money to be made in prolonging the problem.

    Consulting

    If you're not a part of the solution, there's good money to be made in prolonging the problem.

    Perfect For:

    • The nine people in America who understand what it is consultants actually do
    • Advice columnists
    • Disaffected college students

    Buy:

  • Sometimes the best solution to morale problems is just to fire all of the unhappy people.

    Demotivation

    Sometimes the best solution to morale problems is just to fire all of the unhappy people.

    Perfect For:

    • Fans of meta-commentaries
    • Fans of gratuitous product placement
    • Ronald Reagan and the air traffic controllers who work in the airport named for him
    • Disaffected college students

    Buy:

  • Looking sharp is easy when you haven't done any work.

    Distinction

    Looking sharp is easy when you haven't done any work.

    Perfect For:

    • Malingerers
    • Goldbrickers
    • Other entertaining early 20th-century synonyms for slackers
    • Disaffected college students who need to remember to bring their Scantron and No. 2 pencils to the test tomorrow

    Buy:

  • The science of explaining tomorrow why the predictions you made yesterday didn't come true today.

    Economics

    The science of explaining tomorrow why the predictions you made yesterday didn't come true today.

    Perfect For:

    • Paul Krugman (ugh)
    • Jim Cramer (UGH)
    • Ben Bernanke (UUUUGGGGGHHHH)
    • Disaffected student loan officers

    Buy:

  • You aren't being paid to believe in the power of your dreams.

    Get To Work

    You aren't being paid to believe in the power of your dreams.

    Perfect For:

    • Increasing productivity while decreasing morale
    • Edward "Tiger Mike" Davis
    • Scullers irritated by all the stoned canoers-in-need-of-jobby-jobs on Austin's Lady Bird Lake
    • Disaffected college coxswains

    Buy:

  • At some point, hanging in there just makes you look like an even bigger loser.

    Give Up

    At some point, hanging in there just makes you look like an even bigger loser.

    Perfect For:

    • Cat fanciers
    • Cat despisers
    • The ASPCA
    • Henri
    • Eleanor Abernathy
    • Disaffected college students

    Buy:

  • If you think the problems we create are bad, just wait until you see our solutions.

    Government

    If you think the problems we create are bad, just wait until you see our solutions.

    Perfect For:

    Buy:

  • May not be warranted at this point.

    Hope

    May not be warranted at this point.

    Perfect For:

    • Corporate raiders
    • Overly optimistic ornithologists
    • Soon-to-be carrion
    • Disaffected college students

    Buy:

  • Never underestimate the power of stupid people in large groups.

    Idiocy

    Never underestimate the power of stupid people in large groups.

    Perfect For:

    • Flash mobs
    • The American electorate
    • The Kardashians and their viewership
    • Disaffected college students currently attending their safety schools

    Buy:

  • He who chases rainbows may eventually catch tornadoes.

    Illusions

    He who chases rainbows may eventually catch tornadoes.

    Perfect For:

    • Kermit, who seems to be under the impression there are more songs about rainbows than there actually are
    • Hungrybear9562
    • Disaffected college students (especially in Kansas)

    Buy:

  • We'll get to the carrion part in a minute.

    Keep Calm

    We'll get to the carrion part in a minute.

    Perfect For:

    • Slow zebras
    • Your unflappable, happy-go-lucky co-worker who's about to be fired
    • British propaganda poster fetishists
    • Disaffected college students who OH MY GOD, IT'S A LION, EVERYBODY RUN

    Buy:

  • It took millions of years to create something this extraordinary.  You have about seventy-four.

    Legacy

    It took millions of years to create something this extraordinary. You have about seventy-four.

    Perfect For:

    Buy:

  • Until you spread your wings, you'll have no idea how far you can walk.

    Limitations

    Until you spread your wings, you'll have no idea how far you can walk.

    Perfect For:

    • Good-natured Linux users
    • Nuns
    • Burgess Meredith
    • Disaffected college students

    Buy:

  • Money can't buy you love.  But it can buy exotic cars and luxury yachts.  Once you've got those covered, you'll be fighting love off with a stick.

    Love

    Money can't buy you love. But it can buy exotic cars and luxury yachts. Once you've got those covered, you'll be fighting love off with a stick.

    Perfect For:

    Buy:

  • Madness does not always howl.  Sometimes, it is the quiet voice at the end of the day saying, "Hey, is there room in your head for one more?"

    Madness

    Madness does not always howl. Sometimes, it is the quiet voice at the end of the day saying, "Hey, is there room in your head for one more?"

    Buy:

  • Because making it look good now is more important than providing adequate support later.

    Marketing

    Because making it look good now is more important than providing adequate support later.

    Perfect For:

    • The team of geniuses behind Apple Maps
    • Chevrolet Volt repair manual authors
    • Solyndra investors
    • Disaffected MBA students

    Buy:

  • None of us is as dumb as all of us.

    Meetings

    None of us is as dumb as all of us.

    Perfect For:

    • Groupthinkers
    • Hand models
    • Members of the United States Cabinet
    • Disaffected college students

    Buy:

  • Teach every child you meet the importance of forgiveness.  It's our only hope of surviving their wrath once they realize just how badly we've screwed things up for them.

    Mercy

    Teach every child you meet the importance of forgiveness. It's our only hope of surviving their wrath once they realize just how badly we've screwed things up for them.

    Perfect For:

    Buy:

  • It could be that the purpose of your life is only to serve as a warning to others.

    Mistakes

    It could be that the purpose of your life is only to serve as a warning to others.

    Perfect For:

    Buy:

  • If a pretty poster and a cute saying are all it takes to motivate you, you probably have a very easy job.  The kind robots will be doing soon.

    Motivation

    If a pretty poster and a cute saying are all it takes to motivate you, you probably have a very easy job. The kind robots will be doing soon.

    Perfect For:

    • The ever-dwindling manufacturing sector
    • The headquarters of your local labor union
    • Tony Robbins
    • Disaffected college students

    Buy:

  • Some things can not be overcome with determination and a positive attitude.

    Obstacles

    Some things can not be overcome with determination and a positive attitude.

    Perfect For:

    Buy:

  • Pain is just weakness leaving the body.  Sometimes your spirit tags along with it.

    Pain

    Pain is just weakness leaving the body. Sometimes your spirit tags along with it.

    Perfect For:

    Buy:

  • The courage to ignore the obvious wisdom of turning back.

    Perseverance

    The courage to ignore the obvious wisdom of turning back.

    Perfect For:

    • Jason "Preacher" Rowe
    • Robert "Rabbit" Nurick
    • Tim "Beltzer" Lewis
    • Robert "Ice" Van Winkle
    • Disaffected "college" students

    Buy:

  • Less is more.  Unless you're standing next to the one with more.  Then less just looks pathetic.

    Perspective

    Less is more. Unless you're standing next to the one with more. Then less just looks pathetic.

    Perfect For:

    • Those who lack perspective because they have all they want
    • Those who have perspective but lack everything else, and thus look pretty pathetic, especially next to the first group
    • Douglas Spaulding
    • Disaffected college students

    Buy:

  • Hundreds of years from now, it will not matter what my bank account was, the sort of house I lived in, or the kind of car I drove...  But the world may be different because I did something so bafflingly crazy that my ruins become a tourist attraction.

    Priorities

    Hundreds of years from now, it will not matter what my bank account was, the sort of house I lived in, or the kind of car I drove... But the world may be different because I did something so bafflingly crazy that my ruins become a tourist attraction.

    Perfect For:

    Buy:

  • Not everyone gets to be an astronaut when they grow up.

    Potential

    Not everyone gets to be an astronaut when they grow up.

    Perfect For:

    • Anyone who ever paid to go to SpaceCamp
    • Especially if they ended up working here
    • Bill Nye, Dr. Brian May, and this guy
    • Your college-age children, who will soon be:
    • Disaffected college students

    Buy:

  • The downside of being better than everyone else is that people tend to assume you're pretentious.

    Pretension

    The downside of being better than everyone else is that people tend to assume you're pretentious.

    Perfect For:

    • Neil Peart
    • Poets
    • Objectivists
    • Anyone who has ever said "Oh, are you referring to a television show? I wouldn’t know, because I don’t even own a television."
    • Disaffected college students

    Buy:

  • Hard work often pays off after time, but laziness always pays off now.

    Procrastination

    Hard work often pays off after time, but laziness always pays off now.

    Perfect For:

    • [Joke coming soon]
    • [Joke coming soon]
    • [Joke coming soon]
    • Disaffected college students

    Buy:

  • Because you've given so much of yourself to the company that you don't have anything left we can use.

    Retirement

    Because you've given so much of yourself to the company that you don't have anything left we can use.

    Perfect For:

    • Gold watch manufacturers
    • The state of Florida
    • "Sexy Grandpa" t-shirt wearers
    • Disaffected college students who realize they will never be able to retire

    Buy:

  • The downside of being ahead of your time is that your ruins might end up a playground for cavorting druids.

    Revelation

    The downside of being ahead of your time is that your ruins might end up a playground for cavorting druids.

    Perfect For:

    Buy:

  • All we ask here is that you give us your heart.

    Sacrifice (Temple)

    All we ask here is that you give us your heart.

    Perfect For:

    • Mixtli-Dark Cloud
    • Tlaloc
    • Kali ma...Kali ma...Kali ma, shakthi deh!
    • Disaffected college students

    Buy:

  • Minds are like parachutes.  Just because you've lost yours doesn't mean you can borrow mine.

    Sanity

    Minds are like parachutes. Just because you've lost yours doesn't mean you can borrow mine.

    Perfect For:

    • D. B. Cooper
    • George H. W. Bush
    • All of you still holding on to your parachute pants, just waiting for the comeback
    • Disaffected college students

    Buy:

  • Even if you miss, you'll land among the stars.  Of course, then your eyeballs will boil and your lungs explode from decompression.  But that's what you get for being a damn showoff.

    Shoot for the Moon

    Even if you miss, you'll land among the stars. Of course, then your eyeballs will boil and your lungs explode from decompression. But that's what you get for being a damn showoff.

    Perfect For:

    Buy:

  • Keep your friends close, but your enemies closer.  Especially to your friends.

    Survival

    Keep your friends close, but your enemies closer. Especially to your friends.

    Perfect For:

    • Bear Grylls
    • Survivor, of course
    • Itchy and Scratchy
    • Disaffected college students

    Buy:

  • Sometimes, the most important lesson you can learn is that you're not a very good team.

    Team Building

    Sometimes, the most important lesson you can learn is that you're not a very good team.

    Perfect For:

    • The 1976 Tampa Bay Buccaneers
    • The 1962 New York Mets
    • The 1997-98 Denver Nuggets
    • Disaffected college students

    Buy:

  • Ensuring that your hard work can always be ruined by someone else's incompetence.

    Teamwork (Baton)

    Ensuring that your hard work can always be ruined by someone else's incompetence.

    Perfect For:

    Buy:

  • A few harmless flakes working together can unleash an avalanche of destruction.

    Teamwork

    A few harmless flakes working together can unleash an avalanche of destruction.

    Perfect For:

    Buy:

  • Just because you've always done it that way doesn't mean it's not incredibly stupid.

    Tradition

    Just because you've always done it that way doesn't mean it's not incredibly stupid.

    Perfect For:

    • Animal rights activists who cannot believe how far we have not come
    • Ernest Hemingway (“I hung the poster on the wall. It was funny, and colorful. Jim came with a cup of coffee. The coffee was hot, and good. We looked at the poster and laughed.”)
    • Disaffected college students

    Buy:

  • Because soaring with the eagles requires so much more effort.

    Underachievement (Penguin)

    Because soaring with the eagles requires so much more effort.

    Perfect For:

    • Chilly Willy
    • Mario Lemieux
    • Tuxedo designers
    • Disaffected college students

    Buy:

  • If you expect to score points by whining, join a European soccer team.

    Whining

    If you expect to score points by whining, join a European soccer team.

    Perfect For:

    • Before you write us an angry email, watch this!
    • And then this.
    • Then help yourself to a big heaping portion of this.
    • Disaffected college wingbacks

    Buy:

  • Because nothing says "you're a loser" more than owning a motivational poster about being a winner.

    Winners

    Because nothing says "you're a loser" more than owning a motivational poster about being a winner.

    Perfect For:

    • Charlie Sheen (duh)
    • End zone dance choreographers
    • Rabbit Angstrom
    • Gov. Thomas E. Dewey
    • Disaffected college students

    Buy:

  • When you wish upon a falling star, your dreams can come true.  Unless it's really a meteorite hurtling to the Earth which will destroy all life.  Then you're pretty much hosed no matter what you wish for.  Unless it's death by meteor.

    Wishes

    When you wish upon a falling star, your dreams can come true. Unless it's really a meteorite hurtling to the Earth which will destroy all life. Then you're pretty much hosed no matter what you wish for. Unless it's death by meteor.

    Perfect For:

    • Jiminy Cricket
    • People who still have nightmares from watching Deep Impact
    • Despair fans who like our other Demotivators®, but wish they took twenty minutes to read
    • Disaffected college students

    Buy:

  • Just because you're necessary doesn't mean you're important.

    Worth

    Just because you're necessary doesn't mean you're important.

    Perfect For:

    • Machinists with quirky senses of humor
    • Workers who have nothing to lose but their chains, their salaries, their health insurance, their ability to support their families, their self-worth, and their reason to go on living
    • Disaffected college students

    Buy: