• Build Your Own 2014 Calendar

    You choose your start month, your favorite demotivational designs, and we'll print it and ship it to you in no time! It's the perfect year-round heartbreaker!

  • Not all pain is gain.

    Agony

    Not all pain is gain.

    Perfect For:

  • From each according to his ability, to each according to his lack thereof.

    Bailouts

    From each according to his ability, to each according to his lack thereof.

    Perfect For:

    • AIG, Citigroup, Bank of America, JP Morgan
    • GM, Chrysler, and GMAC
    • Fannie Mae and Freddie Mac
    • Several hundred other recipients of taxpayer welfare
    • Disaffected college students WISH this were about them. And in a way it is. Since they're the ones who are going to be paying these bills for the rest of their lives. Suckers!
  • If you're attractive enough on the outside, people will forgive you for being irritating to the core.

    Beauty

    If you're attractive enough on the outside, people will forgive you for being irritating to the core.

    Perfect For:

    • The homecoming queen and her handmaidens
    • A certain one-time peroxide blonde who completely led on the author of this particular Demotivator during his senior year of high school in 1989
    • The author of this Demotivator, for being so utterly shallow that he let an obnoxious hot chick totally play him for a fool 16 years ago, and would again, if she would JUST CALL ME... KATIE, IF YOU READ THIS, PICK UP THE PHONE AND DIAL ME. FOR REAL. I CAN'T FORGIVE YOU IF DON'T MAKE THE FIRST STEP. xo, J.B.
    • Disaffected college students
  • Never be afraid to share your dreams with the world, because there's nothing the world loves more than the taste of really sweet dreams.

    Bitterness

    Never be afraid to share your dreams with the world, because there's nothing the world loves more than the taste of really sweet dreams.

    Perfect For:

    • Critics, and the artists who loathe them
    • Artists, and their fragile little egos
    • Burned-out entrepreneurs whose failed companies have disappeared into the ether
    • Disaffected college students
  • When the winds of change blow hard enough, the most trivial of things can turn into deadly projectiles.

    Change

    When the winds of change blow hard enough, the most trivial of things can turn into deadly projectiles.

    Perfect For:

    • The Scorpions
    • Smug drivers with "Be the change you wish to see in the world" bumper stickers on their electric-hybrid Volvos
    • Disaffected college students living in Kansas, Oklahoma, and north Texas
  • When people are free to do as they please, they usually imitate each other.

    Conformity

    When people are free to do as they please, they usually imitate each other.

    Perfect For:

    • Nonconformists
    • Conformists who want to be exactly like them
    • Lemming fans
    • Disaffected high school students
  • Proudly defending the status quo long after the quo has lost its status.

    Congress

    Proudly defending the status quo long after the quo has lost its status.

    Perfect For:

  • I want either less corruption or more opportunity to participate in it.

    Corruption

    I want either less corruption or more opportunity to participate in it.

  • Helps artists die young, miserable, and penniless- so their art can have meaning to the old, satisfied, and obscenely rich.

    Creativity

    Helps artists die young, miserable, and penniless- so their art can have meaning to the old, satisfied, and obscenely rich.

    Perfect For:

    • Confessional poets who have exceeded their life expectancy of 35 years
    • Vincent Van Gogh's ear
    • The penniless indie rock musician whose albums you love to illegally download
    • Disaffected fine arts majors
  • If we really cared for the customer, we'd send them somewhere better.

    Customer Care

    If we really cared for the customer, we'd send them somewhere better.

    Perfect For:

  • Because we're not satisfied until you're not satisfied

    Customer Disservice

    Because we're not satisfied until you're not satisfied

    Perfect For:

    • The recorded voice assuring you that your call is very important and asking you to please stay on the line
    • Emotionally abused customer service representatives
    • Us, obviously
    • Disaffected college students
  • When birds fly in the right formation, they need only exert half the effort.  Even in nature, teamwork results in collective laziness.

    Dare to Slack

    When birds fly in the right formation, they need only exert half the effort. Even in nature, teamwork results in collective laziness.

    Perfect For:

    • Office employees browsing parody motivational poster websites instead of working
    • Government bureaucracies, which are always unfailingly efficient
    • 30-year-olds living with Mom and Dad
    • Disaffected graduate student slackers trapped in Austin's Velvet Rut
  • For every winner there are dozens of losers.  Odds are you're one of them.

    Defeat

    For every winner there are dozens of losers. Odds are you're one of them.

    Perfect For:

  • There comes a time when every team must learn to make individual sacrifices.

    Disloyalty

    There comes a time when every team must learn to make individual sacrifices.

    Perfect For:

    • Understanding the rationale of your superiors
    • Brutus and Cassius
    • The cast of Survivor
    • Disaffected college students
  • It takes months to find a customer, but only seconds to lose one... The good news is that we should run out of them in no time.

    Disservice

    It takes months to find a customer, but only seconds to lose one... The good news is that we should run out of them in no time.

    Perfect For:

    • The ticketing agent at your favorite airline
    • Customers seeking to understand the rationale behind miserable service companies
    • The deli worker who puts sprouts on your sandwich even though you distinctly told him not to, seriously, who likes sprouts, they taste like Styrofoam and this isn't California in 1983
    • Disaffected college students
  • The early worm is for the birds.

    Do It Later

    The early worm is for the birds.

    Perfect For:

    • ["PERFECT FOR" JOKES COMING SOON]
    • Disaffected etc.
  • Dreams are like rainbows.  Only idiots chase them.

    Dreams

    Dreams are like rainbows. Only idiots chase them.

    Perfect For:

    • The Cranberries
    • Comedy writers whose own dreams of someday marrying Dolores O'Riordan of The Cranberries didn't quite work out the way he assumed they would in 1993
    • Susan Boyle
    • Disaffected college students
  • The only consistent feature of all of your dissatisfying relationships is you.

    Dysfunction

    The only consistent feature of all of your dissatisfying relationships is you.

    Perfect For:

    • Oblivious nerdy guys with anger-management problems who keep complaining that women don't like "nice guys"
    • Those seeking to dump someone who can't bring themselves to say, "It's not you, it's me," because oh, man, it's him (or her), and it's time he (or she) heard it
    • Disaffected college students
  • Hard work never killed anybody- but it is illegal in some places.

    Effort

    Hard work never killed anybody- but it is illegal in some places.

    Perfect For:

  • If you want to get to the top, prepare to kiss a lot of the bottom.

    Flattery

    If you want to get to the top, prepare to kiss a lot of the bottom.

    Perfect For:

    • Assuring your boss that his new bow tie makes him look even smarter and more handsome, though how such a thing could be possible is beyond you
    • You, you sexy thing
    • Disaffected college students
  • You'll always miss 100% of the shots you don't take, and, statistically speaking, 99% of the shots you do.

    Futility

    You'll always miss 100% of the shots you don't take, and, statistically speaking, 99% of the shots you do.

    Perfect For:

    • Tiger Woods and his lawyers
    • The crew of the USS Titan
    • This design is retired, so writing these "Perfect For" jokes is an exercise in...something...
    • Disaffected college students
  • It's best to avoid standing directly between a competitive jerk and his goals.

    Goals

    It's best to avoid standing directly between a competitive jerk and his goals.

    Perfect For:

    • Certain sociopathic disgraced athletes who shall remain nameless
    • The seven Americans who actually understand the rules of soccer
    • Overly domineering soccer moms
    • Disaffected college students
  • There is an island of opportunity in the middle of every difficulty.  Miss that, though, and you're pretty much doomed.

    Hazards

    There is an island of opportunity in the middle of every difficulty. Miss that, though, and you're pretty much doomed.

    Perfect For:

  • The harder you try the dumber you look.

    Humiliation

    The harder you try the dumber you look.

    Perfect For:

    • The few remaining door-to-door salesmen
    • Outbound telemarketers
    • Athletes whose dramatic failures have become YouTube staples
    • Disaffected college students
  • The mark of the leader is the ability to make decisions.  The mark of the survivor is knowing when not to.

    Indecision

    The mark of the leader is the ability to make decisions. The mark of the survivor is knowing when not to.

    Perfect For:

    • Having something to look at during the 45-minute-long discussion your coworkers have every day about where to order lunch from
    • Choosing between Scylla and Charybdis
    • Disaffected college students
  • If you can't learn to do something well, learn to enjoy doing it poorly.

    Ineptitude

    If you can't learn to do something well, learn to enjoy doing it poorly.

    Perfect For:

    • Those who love skiing a lot more than it loves them
    • Dancing Elaine Benes
    • The New York Jets, who at least look like they're having a lot of fun out there
    • Disaffected college students
  • It's difficult to comprehend how insane some people can be.  Especially when you're insane.

    Insanity

    It's difficult to comprehend how insane some people can be. Especially when you're insane.

    Perfect For:

    • BASE jumpers
    • Mountain Dew addicts
    • Making sense of the voices
    • Disaffected college students
  • Success is a journey, not a destination, so stop running.

    Laziness

    Success is a journey, not a destination, so stop running.

    Perfect For:

    • Those who prefer a leisurely stroll to an all-out foot race, thank you very much
    • Sports fans who feel they have personally accomplished something when the team they root for wins the championship
    • Ugh, I'll think of more of these stupid jokes later, there's a "Law and Order" marathon on USA
    • Disaffected college students
  • Leaders are like eagles.  We don't have either of them here.

    Leaders

    Leaders are like eagles. We don't have either of them here.

    Perfect For:

    • Those who know it's no time to be a dinosaur
    • Fans of competent managers, bald eagles, and other endangered species
    • Your absentee CEO and his golfing buddies
    • Disaffected college students
  • If at first you don't succeed, losing may be your style.

    Losing

    If at first you don't succeed, losing may be your style.

    Perfect For:

    • This being the worst-selling design in Despair history, apparently it wasn't perfect for anybody
    • Baseball fans? We were sure baseball fans were going to at least kind of like it
    • Disaffected college students? Please?
  • While good fortune often eludes you, this kind never misses.

    Misfortune

    While good fortune often eludes you, this kind never misses.

    Perfect For:

    • Eddie, who would go
    • Hangin' ten on The 'Leen
    • We admit we're not entirely sure what the above two things mean
    • Disaffected college students
  • We promote family values here- almost as often as we promote family members.

    Nepotism

    We promote family values here- almost as often as we promote family members.

    Perfect For:

    • Any business with "& Sons" in the name
    • Those who know the joy of related-party transactions, which can never go wrong
    • Employees of closely held corporations
    • Disaffected college students on campuses with buildings named for their parents
  • Before you attempt to beat the odds, be sure you could survive the odds beating you.

    Overconfidence

    Before you attempt to beat the odds, be sure you could survive the odds beating you.

    Perfect For:

    • Those who beat the odds
    • Those who are beaten by the odds, severely
    • Physically belligerent Oddfellows who beat each other
    • Disaffected college students
  • With focus, dedication and steroids, men can achieve impossible dreams.  Like breaking a world record.  Or growing their own breasts.

    Possibilities

    With focus, dedication and steroids, men can achieve impossible dreams. Like breaking a world record. Or growing their own breasts.

  • The art of calling faith in yourself "self-esteem" while calling it "conceit" when you see it in others.

    Pride

    The art of calling faith in yourself "self-esteem" while calling it "conceit" when you see it in others.

    Perfect For:

    • The obliviously arrogant
    • The arrogantly oblivious
    • Falling in love with yourself all over again
    • Disaffected college students with high self-regard
  • What lies behind us and lies before us are small matters compared to what lies right to our faces.

    Propaganda

    What lies behind us and lies before us are small matters compared to what lies right to our faces.

    Perfect For:

    • MSNBC
    • Fox News
    • Kim Jong-un
    • Disaffected college students
  • Time heals all wounds.  But it usually leaves a pretty big scar.

    Recovery

    Time heals all wounds. But it usually leaves a pretty big scar.

    Perfect For:

    • Door prizes for your "End of the Recession" party (which was maybe a bit premature)
    • Greece, once its economy recovers in 2097
    • Recovery approach dropouts
    • Disaffected college students
  • Love is in the air.  And it's pooping on my head.

    Romance

    Love is in the air. And it's pooping on my head.

    Perfect For:

    • Lonely-hearted souls nursing broken hearts on the sea shore
    • Geese who fly in heart-shaped formations in order to taunt lonely-hearted souls nursing broken hearts on the sea shore.
    • People who are amused by the sight of geese flying in heart-shaped formations in order to taunt lonely-hearted souls nursing broken hearts on the sea shore
    • Disaffected college students
  • What is the Secret?  Pretend you've already achieved it.  Then offer to sell the secret to others.

    The Secret of Success

    What is the Secret? Pretend you've already achieved it. Then offer to sell the secret to others.

    Perfect For:

  • As long as we have each other, we'll never run out of problems.

    Strife

    As long as we have each other, we'll never run out of problems.

    Perfect For:

    • Dysfunctional codependent enablers
    • The Lockhorns
    • Not you, of course
    • Disaffected college students
  • The less you stand out, the longer you'll last.

    Survival

    The less you stand out, the longer you'll last.

    Perfect For:

    • Your coworker who always manages to mysteriously disappear whenever the boss is in a bad mood
    • Karma karma karma karma karma chameleons
    • Disaffected college students
  • A code word lazy people use when they want you to do all the work.

    Synergy

    A code word lazy people use when they want you to do all the work.

    Perfect For:

    • Escargot enthusiasts
    • People who can read the word 'synergy' without rolling their eyes
    • Fans of corporate jargon (though who isn't?)
    • Disaffected college students
  • Every man dies.  But not every man truly lives only to die of sheer stupidity.

    Bravery

    Every man dies. But not every man truly lives only to die of sheer stupidity.

    Perfect For:

    • Recipients of the Darwin Awards
    • People who truly realize how precious and delicate life is, and yet still decide to jump 250 feet off a bridge connected to nothing but an elastic cord
    • Disaffected college students

    Buy:

  • Genius is 1 percent inspiration and 99 percent perspiration, which is why engineers sometimes smell really bad.

    Inspiration

    Genius is 1 percent inspiration and 99 percent perspiration, which is why engineers sometimes smell really bad.

    Perfect For:

    • Your average rank-and-file engineer
    • Get it? "Rank"?
    • Passive-aggressive roommates of disaffected engineering students who reek
  • The price of freedom keeps going up, but the quality keeps deteriorating.

    Liberty

    The price of freedom keeps going up, but the quality keeps deteriorating.

    Perfect For:

    • Bringing Tea Party and Occupy Wall Street members together at last
    • La Liberté éclairant le monde
    • La Liberté pleurs et de désespoir
    • Disaffected college students
  • Because every person deserves an equal chance to prove their incompetence.

    Diversity

    Because every person deserves an equal chance to prove their incompetence.

    Perfect For:

    • People who would like to see someone other than a white man screw up the nation's economy once in a while
    • Creating a work environment filled with incompetent people of all races and genders
    • Disaffected college students
  • When you earnestly believe you can compensate for a lack of skill by doubling your efforts, there's no end to what you can't do.

    Incompetence

    When you earnestly believe you can compensate for a lack of skill by doubling your efforts, there's no end to what you can't do.

    Perfect For:

    • Those who confuse effort with results
    • Inept shop teachers
    • Apprentice carpenters who have proved to be somewhat disappointing
    • Disaffected college students
  • Because the easiest way to steal your wealth is by cheapening your money.

    Inflation

    Because the easiest way to steal your wealth is by cheapening your money.

    Perfect For:

    • Proponents of the trillion-dollar coin
    • Angry Austrian School economists
    • Phillips curve enthusiasts
    • Disaffected college students who are just now realizing they'll never find a job
  • Always remember that you are unique.  Just like everybody else.

    Individuality

    Always remember that you are unique. Just like everybody else.

    Perfect For:

    • Identical twins who are eager to let singletons know how it feels to not really have a unique identity
    • Identical triplets who are eager to let twins know that they don't know the HALF of it....
    • (And so on and so forth.)
    • Disaffected college students

    Buy:

  • No one can make you feel inferior without your consent. But you'd be a fool to withhold that from your superiors.

    Intimidation

    No one can make you feel inferior without your consent. But you'd be a fool to withhold that from your superiors.

    Perfect For:

    • Putting the little people in their place
    • Letting the big people know you're glad to be put there, and you're not going anywhere without their approval
    • Disaffected veterinary college students
  • Some places remain unknown because no one has ventured forth.  Others remain so because no one has ever come back.

    Curiosity

    Some places remain unknown because no one has ventured forth. Others remain so because no one has ever come back.

    Perfect For:

    Buy:

  • If you're tired of others looking down on you, grow the hell up.

    Maturity

    If you're tired of others looking down on you, grow the hell up.

    Perfect For:

    • Millennials, who blame...
    • Generation Xers, who blame...
    • Baby Boomers, who blame...
    • Everybody but themselves
    • Disaffected college students who just need to grow the hell up
  • Sometimes the only difference between a budding genius and a blooming idiot is where they choose to take a stand.

    Wisdom

    Sometimes the only difference between a budding genius and a blooming idiot is where they choose to take a stand.

    Perfect For:

    • Traveling businessmen who insist on calling themselves "road warriors"
    • Highway patrolmen
    • Disaffected college students
  • A company that will go to the ends of the Earth for its people will find it can hire them for about 10% of the cost of Americans.

    Discovery

    A company that will go to the ends of the Earth for its people will find it can hire them for about 10% of the cost of Americans.

    Perfect For:

    • Dramatically improving the performance statistics of employees in domestic call centers
    • The customer service representative you're talking to whose small talk about the weather and football seems somehow unconvincing
    • Disaffected college graduates strongly considering a move to Bangalore

    Buy:

  • Let's agree to respect each others views, no matter how wrong yours may be.

    Compromise

    Let's agree to respect each others views, no matter how wrong yours may be.

    Perfect For:

    • Members of Congress, who always seek consensus and never get bogged down in counterproductive ideological bickering
    • Hostage negotiators
    • Helping come up with solutions that are equally unsatisfactory to both parties
    • Disaffected college students
  • It takes a lot less time and most people won't notice the difference until it's too late.

    Mediocrity

    It takes a lot less time and most people won't notice the difference until it's too late.

    Perfect For:

    • Mediocre architects
    • Mediocre novelists (see above)
    • Quality assurance personnel
    • Disaffected college students
  • It's always darkest just before it goes pitch black.

    Despair

    It's always darkest just before it goes pitch black.

    Perfect For:

    • Chirpy bright-siders in need of a dose of reality
    • Achluophobes
    • People who have unwisely decided to "winter" in the Arctic Circle
    • Disaffected college students
  • The best leaders inspire by example.  When that's not an option, brute intimidation works pretty well, too.

    Arrogance

    The best leaders inspire by example. When that's not an option, brute intimidation works pretty well, too.

    Perfect For:

    • The hubristic CEO who started your dot-com
    • The venture partner who made him feel small
    • The investment banker who made her feel objectified
    • The class-action lawyer who's making them all feel the squeeze
    • Disaffected college students
  • It's lonely at the top, but it's comforting to look down upon everyone at the bottom.

    Elitism

    It's lonely at the top, but it's comforting to look down upon everyone at the bottom.

    Perfect For:

    • Your boss, who is better than you
    • Your boss' boss, who is also better than you
    • The 22-year-old barista at your local coffee shop, whose degree in comparative literature makes him think he's better than you
    • Disaffected college students
  • Until you have the courage to lose sight of the shore, you will not know the terror of being forever lost at sea.

    Fear

    Until you have the courage to lose sight of the shore, you will not know the terror of being forever lost at sea.

    Perfect For:

  • Two roads diverged in a yellow wood.  And Robert Frost took the one less traveled.  Of course, he also heckled his rivals and started fires to disrupt their poetry readings.  But that makes for a terrible motivational poster.  Unless you're a petty pyromaniac.  In which case, here you go.

    The Road Not Taken

    Two roads diverged in a yellow wood. And Robert Frost took the one less traveled. Of course, he also heckled his rivals and started fires to disrupt their poetry readings. But that makes for a terrible motivational poster. Unless you're a petty pyromaniac. In which case, here you go.

    Perfect For:

    • Disaffected poetry students, such as they were, such as they would become
  • If you find yourself struggling with loneliness, you're not alone.  And yet you are alone.  So very alone.

    Loneliness

    If you find yourself struggling with loneliness, you're not alone. And yet you are alone. So very alone.

    Perfect For:

    • Eleanor Rigby
    • Hanging in your studio apartment so you have something to look at as you eat your microwaved frozen pizza, alone
    • People who just smile all the time
    • A disaffected college student
  • If you never try anything new, you'll miss out on many of life's great disappointments.

    Risks

    If you never try anything new, you'll miss out on many of life's great disappointments.

    Perfect For:

  • Your role may be thankless, but if you're willing to give it your all, you just might bring success to those who outlast you.

    Sacrifice

    Your role may be thankless, but if you're willing to give it your all, you just might bring success to those who outlast you.

    Perfect For:

  • Never before have so many people with so little to say said so much to so few.

    Blogging

    Never before have so many people with so little to say said so much to so few.

    Perfect For:

    • The editors of The Pessimist
    • Enraged nerds currently working on the definitive post about continuity errors in Game of Thrones
    • Newspaper reporters unaware of their imminent unemployment
    • Disaffected college students
  • It takes 43 muscles to frown and 17 to smile, but it doesn't take any to just sit there with a dumb look on your face.

    Indifference

    It takes 43 muscles to frown and 17 to smile, but it doesn't take any to just sit there with a dumb look on your face.

    Perfect For:

    • Daktari
    • Lawrence Bourne III
    • Those of you who don't get the above references, but don't really feel like looking them up
    • Disaffected college students
  • No single raindrop believes it is to blame for the flood.

    Irresponsibility

    No single raindrop believes it is to blame for the flood.

    Perfect For:

    • Individual investors, who blame...
    • The business press and CNBC, who blame...
    • Wall Street analysts and research firms, who blame...
    • Investment bankers and underwriters, who blame...
    • Venture capitalists, who blame...
    • Entrepreneurs, who blame pretty much anyone but themselves
    • Disaffected college students
  • It's over, man.  Let her go.

    Persistence

    It's over, man. Let her go.

    Perfect For:

    • The bitter Despair employee who wrote this
    • The narrator of our page-a-day calendar, who really needs to just accept the fact that Penny's never coming back
    • Disaffected college students

    Buy:

  • If you keep asking others to give you the benefit of the doubt, they'll eventually start to doubt your benefit.

    Excuses

    If you keep asking others to give you the benefit of the doubt, they'll eventually start to doubt your benefit.

    Perfect For:

    • We totally had some "Perfect For" jokes for this one but they're all on our old computer, which is broken, and we know this guy who said he'd try to fix it, but his grandma got sick and so he can't come over until Wednesday because he's out of town, also, we're feeling kind of ill, we think it's that stomach bug that's been going around
    • Disaffected college students turning their term papers in late

    Buy:

  • As long as there are children in the world, there will never be any real peace.

    Tranquility

    As long as there are children in the world, there will never be any real peace.

    Perfect For:

    • Mommy bloggers
    • Daddy bloggers
    • Your friend who posts 243 pictures of her toddler a day on Facebook
    • Disaffected college students
  • All I ask is for a chance to prove that money can't buy happiness.

    Wealth

    All I ask is for a chance to prove that money can't buy happiness.

    Perfect For:

    • The 47 percent
    • "Job creators"
    • Bankruptcy lawyers
    • Disaffected private school students
  • It hurts to admit when you make mistakes- but when they're big enough, the pain only lasts a second.

    Regret

    It hurts to admit when you make mistakes- but when they're big enough, the pain only lasts a second.

    Perfect For:

    • Students of the non-apology apology
    • Fry from Futurama: "I don't regret this. But I both rue and lament it."
    • Disaffected college students
  • You were meant for me.  Perhaps as a punishment.

    Destiny

    You were meant for me. Perhaps as a punishment.

    Perfect For:

    • Spicing up your next anniversary celebration with that certain special illiterate someone
    • Hastening the demise of that once vibrant relationship with the joyless body-snatcher that first stole your heart but now seems content to only steal your time and money
    • Disaffected college students
  • It can turn a lump of coal into a flawless diamond, or an average person into a perfect basketcase.

    Pressure

    It can turn a lump of coal into a flawless diamond, or an average person into a perfect basketcase.

    Perfect For:

    • Disaffected college students, particularly those who majored in something they hate to appease impossible-to-please parents but who then end up discovering the jobs they are actually qualified for are all moving to the third world, forcing them to end up taking a low-level marketing position at the world's leading purveyor of Demotivational™ goods. Thanks, Mom and Dad. You happy now? Me too. Just so very, very happy.
  • The race for quality has no finish line- so technically, it's more like a death march.

    Quality

    The race for quality has no finish line- so technically, it's more like a death march.

    Perfect For:

    • Six Sigma devotees (like this guy)
    • Anybody who can read meaningless corporate jargon like this without laughing
    • Disaffected college students
  • If it can make your job easier, it can probably make it irrelevant.

    Innovation

    If it can make your job easier, it can probably make it irrelevant.

    Perfect For:

  • Just because you think you're a star doesn't mean you're going anywhere.

    Self-Esteem

    Just because you think you're a star doesn't mean you're going anywhere.

    Perfect For:

  • View all customers as beautiful buds that must be cultivated, watered, and periodically buried under manure.

    Service

    View all customers as beautiful buds that must be cultivated, watered, and periodically buried under manure.

    Perfect For:

    • Anyone who's ever had to deal with an airline's customer service department
    • Anyone who's ever had to deal with any customer service department
    • Our customer service department
    • Disaffected college students
  • I may not agree with what you say, but I respect your right to be punished for it.

    Freedom

    I may not agree with what you say, but I respect your right to be punished for it.

    Perfect For:

    • Occupiers (in all senses of the word)
    • "Free speech zones"
    • Suppressing office dissent
    • Disaffected college students
  • No matter how great and destructive your problems may seem now, remember, you've probably only seen the tip of them.

    Problems

    No matter how great and destructive your problems may seem now, remember, you've probably only seen the tip of them.

    Perfect For:

    • Internal-combustion-engine-driven economies
    • Hank Paulson
    • Ben Bernanke
    • The Kings of this World
    • Disaffected college students
  • The tallest blade of grass is the first to be cut by the lawnmower.

    Underachievement

    The tallest blade of grass is the first to be cut by the lawnmower.

    Perfect For:

    • David Lightman
    • Those who know when to lie low
    • Ng, the guy we fired for creating this piece
    • Disaffected college dropouts
  • The secret to success is knowing who to blame for your failures.

    Blame

    The secret to success is knowing who to blame for your failures.

    Perfect For:

    • The unfairly scapegoated little people
    • The unfortunately unaccountable big people
    • Medium sized people who appreciate the plight of the little people but report to the big people and can't get involved
    • Disaffected college students
  • When the going gets tough, the tough get going.  The smart left a long time ago.

    Insight

    When the going gets tough, the tough get going. The smart left a long time ago.

    Perfect For:

    • Billy Ocean
    • Sir Robin
    • Those whose fight-or-flight instinct tends sharply toward the latter
    • Disaffected college students
  • It's amazing how much easier it is for a team to work together when no one has any idea where they're going.

    Ignorance

    It's amazing how much easier it is for a team to work together when no one has any idea where they're going.

    Perfect For:

    • Making sense of the strange calm that has settled over your group
    • Aeroacrophobics
    • Incompetent coxswains
    • Preserving the sweet sweet status quo
    • Disaffected college students
  • I am Dr. Adewole Aremu- a director with the Union Bank of Nigeria in Lagos- and I wish to speak to you most urgently about a matter regarding the sum of $39,000,000 US Dollars...

    Opportunity

    I am Dr. Adewole Aremu- a director with the Union Bank of Nigeria in Lagos- and I wish to speak to you most urgently about a matter regarding the sum of $39,000,000 US Dollars...

    Perfect For:

  • If we don't take care of the customer, maybe they'll stop bugging us.

    Apathy

    If we don't take care of the customer, maybe they'll stop bugging us.

    Perfect For:

    • Customer service representatives who just don't care anymore
    • The employees at 97% of Austin restaurants
    • Nobody really cares who this is perfect for
    • Disaffected college students or whatever
  • Quitters never win, winners never quit, but those who never win AND never quit are idiots.

    Stupidity

    Quitters never win, winners never quit, but those who never win AND never quit are idiots.

    Perfect For:

    • Bobby Riggs
    • Those of us who -- not to brag -- absolutely ruled Activision Tennis for the Atari 2600
    • Free verse poets
    • Disaffected college students
  • That which does not kill me postpones the inevitable.

    Adversity

    That which does not kill me postpones the inevitable.

    Perfect For:

    • Optimists who obliviously quote Nietzsche
    • The guy at your gym who won't stop talking about P90X
    • Tiger-eyed survivors
    • Disaffected college students
  • Attitudes are contagious.  Mine might kill you.

    Burnout

    Attitudes are contagious. Mine might kill you.

    Perfect For:

    • Sending a subtle signal to the group malcontent who always seems to bring down your enthusiastic team
    • Sending a subtle signal to your happy-go-lucky coworkers who don't just don't understand how tiresome and grating their rah-rah talk has become
    • Disaffected college students
  • Much work remains to be done before we can announce our total failure to make any progress.

    Planning

    Much work remains to be done before we can announce our total failure to make any progress.

    Perfect For:

    • Project managers
    • Luddites who just don't trust those newfangled mechanical pencils
    • I don't know, maybe these guys
    • Disaffected college students
  • When your best just isn't good enough.

    Failure

    When your best just isn't good enough.

    Perfect For:

  • Every dark cloud has a silver lining, but lightning kills hundreds of people each year who are trying to find it.

    Pessimism

    Every dark cloud has a silver lining, but lightning kills hundreds of people each year who are trying to find it.

    Perfect For:

  • Having your moment in the sun isn't always a good thing.

    Recognition

    Having your moment in the sun isn't always a good thing.

    Perfect For:

  • Luck can't last a lifetime unless you die young.

    Trouble

    Luck can't last a lifetime unless you die young.

    Perfect For:

    • Office predators
    • Office prey
    • Cat fanciers
    • Disaffected college students