It's the biggest revolution in Demotivation™ since we invented the art form! With our completely customizable Print-On-Demand calendars, you can choose which designs you get, and what month they land on!
Imagine the Possibilities!
How about building a calendar featuring designs like Shoot for the Moon, Believe in Yourself, and Distinction for that annoying go-getter boss of yours, who just really needs to chill the @#$% out with all his rah-rah talk? Or perhaps a calendar with Potential, Underachievement, and Procrastination for that once vibrant spouse who now is slowly becoming one with your couch?
Now stop imagining… and starting BUYING!
We're trying to make MONEY here!
The wait is over! The 2013 Demotivators Calendar is here, and ready to crush you and those you love (and/or don't) all year long! Featuring brand new designs like "Shoot for the Moon", "Keep Calm", and "Love", it's the perfect gift for the person who has everything and still isn't happy about it!
(And don't forget to pick up its daily companion, The Pessimist!)
Featuring over 300 pages of sad statistics, rueful quotes, cynical definitions, bitter cocktail recipes, and oh -did we mention? An epic storyline about a certain unsung genius here at Despair, who contends with his unsupportive girlfriend, passive-aggressive psychiatrist, oppressive employer, and, yeah, Scotchoholism- as he attempts to complete his masterpiece, a 2013 tear-off calendar called, oddly enough, "The Pessimist".
Even if you miss, you'll land among the stars. Of course, then your eyeballs will boil and your lungs explode from decompression. But that's what you get for being a damn showoff.
Money can't buy you love. But it can buy exotic cars and luxury yachts. Once you've got those covered, you'll be fighting love off with a stick.
Keep your friends close, but your enemies closer. Especially to your friends.
We'll get to the carrion part in a minute.
The downside of being ahead of your time is that your ruins might end up a playground for cavorting druids.
Keep living life like there's no tomorrow and you'll be right sooner than you think.
Pain is just weakness leaving the body. Sometimes your spirit tags along with it.
Looking sharp is easy when you haven't done any work.
You aren't being paid to believe in the power of your dreams.
If a pretty poster and a cute saying are all it takes to motivate you, you probably have a very easy job. The kind robots will be doing soon.
The journey of a thousand miles sometimes ends very, very badly.
None of us is as dumb as all of us.
When you wish upon a falling star, your dreams can come true. Unless it's really a meteorite hurtling to the Earth which will destroy all life. Then you're pretty much hosed no matter what you wish for. Unless it's death by meteor.
If you think the problems we create are bad, just wait until you see our solutions.
Just because you've always done it that way doesn't mean it's not incredibly stupid.
Because the rest of us think you're an idiot.
It could be that the purpose of your life is only to serve as a warning to others.
You can do anything you set your mind to when you have vision, determination, and an endless supply of expendable labor.
Not everyone gets to be an astronaut when they grow up.
Hundreds of years from now, it will not matter what my bank account was, the sort of house I lived in, or the kind of car I drove... But the world may be different because I did something so bafflingly crazy that my ruins become a tourist attraction.
Teach every child you meet the importance of forgiveness. It's our only hope of surviving their wrath once they realize just how badly we've screwed things up for them.
I expected times like this - but I never thought they'd be so bad, so long, and so frequent.
Because soaring with the eagles requires so much more effort.
When a motivated group of people join together, they can turn problems into opportunities. Especially drinking problems.
The bad news is robots can do your job now. The good news is we're now hiring robot repair technicians. The worse news is we're working on robot-fixing robots- and we do not anticipate any further good news.
Sometimes the best solution to morale problems is just to fire all of the unhappy people.
It took millions of years to create something this extraordinary. You have about seventy-four.
Hard work often pays off after time, but laziness always pays off now.
If you expect to score points by whining, join a European soccer team.
Just like teamwork. Only without the work.
Some things can not be overcome with determination and a positive attitude.
If you're not a part of the solution, there's good money to be made in prolonging the problem.
The science of explaining tomorrow why the predictions you made yesterday didn't come true today.
Because making it look good now is more important than providing adequate support later.
May not be warranted at this point.
Just because you're necessary doesn't mean you're important.
A code word lazy people use when they want you to do all the work.
The courage to ignore the obvious wisdom of turning back.
Until you spread your wings, you'll have no idea how far you can walk.
Never underestimate the power of stupid people in large groups.
Every man dies. But not every man truly lives only to die of sheer stupidity.
Genius is 1 percent inspiration and 99 percent perspiration, which is why engineers sometimes smell really bad.
The price of freedom keeps going up, but the quality keeps deteriorating.
A few harmless flakes working together can unleash an avalanche of destruction.
The discovery that you're no longer a big fish in a small pond, or even a small fish in a big pond, but a small fish in a big fish.
There are no stupid questions, but there are a LOT of inquisitive idiots.
Because every person deserves an equal chance to prove their incompetence.
When you earnestly believe you can compensate for a lack of skill by doubling your efforts, there's no end to what you can't do.
Because the easiest way to steal your wealth is by cheapening your money.
Always remember that you are unique. Just like everybody else.
Some places remain unknown because no one has ventured forth. Others remain so because no one has ever come back.
If you're tired of others looking down on you, grow the hell up.
Sometimes the only difference between a budding genius and a blooming idiot is where they choose to take a stand.
A company that will go to the ends of the Earth for its people will find it can hire them for about 10% of the cost of Americans.
Less is more. Unless you're standing next to the one with more. Then less just looks pathetic.
Let's agree to respect each others views, no matter how wrong yours may be.
It's only a virtue if you're not a screwup.
It takes a lot less time and most people won't notice the difference until it's too late.
All we ask here is that you give us your heart.
It's always darkest just before it goes pitch black.
Because you've given so much of yourself to the company that you don't have anything left we can use.
The downside of being better than everyone else is that people tend to assume you're pretentious.
The best leaders inspire by example. When that's not an option, brute intimidation works pretty well, too.
It's lonely at the top, but it's comforting to look down upon everyone at the bottom.
Until you have the courage to lose sight of the shore, you will not know the terror of being forever lost at sea.
Politicians are like diapers. They need to be changed often and for the same reason.
Two roads diverged in a yellow wood. And Robert Frost took the one less traveled. Of course, he also heckled his rivals and started fires to disrupt their poetry readings. But that makes for a terrible motivational poster. Unless you're a petty pyromaniac. In which case, here you go.
If you find yourself struggling with loneliness, you're not alone. And yet you are alone. So very alone.
If you never try anything new, you'll miss out on many of life's great disappointments.
Your role may be thankless, but if you're willing to give it your all, you just might bring success to those who outlast you.
Never before have so many people with so little to say said so much to so few.
It takes 43 muscles to frown and 17 to smile, but it doesn't take any to just sit there with a dumb look on your face.
No single raindrop believes it is to blame for the flood.
It's over, man. Let her go.
Madness does not always howl. Sometimes, it is the quiet voice at the end of the day saying, "Hey, is there room in your head for one more?"
If you keep asking others to give you the benefit of the doubt, they'll eventually start to doubt your benefit.
Because nothing says "you're a loser" more than owning a motivational poster about being a winner.
At some point, hanging in there just makes you look like an even bigger loser.
Minds are like parachutes. Just because you've lost yours doesn't mean you can borrow mine.
As long as there are children in the world, there will never be any real peace.
All I ask is for a chance to prove that money can't buy happiness.
It hurts to admit when you make mistakes- but when they're big enough, the pain only lasts a second.
You were meant for me. Perhaps as a punishment.
It can turn a lump of coal into a flawless diamond, or an average person into a perfect basketcase.
The race for quality has no finish line- so technically, it's more like a death march.
You can fool all of the people all of the time if your effects budget is large enough.
If it can make your job easier, it can probably make it irrelevant.
Just because you think you're a star doesn't mean you're going anywhere.
View all customers as beautiful buds that must be cultivated, watered, and periodically buried under manure.
I may not agree with what you say, but I respect your right to be punished for it.
No matter how great and destructive your problems may seem now, remember, you've probably only seen the tip of them.
The tallest blade of grass is the first to be cut by the lawnmower.
The secret to success is knowing who to blame for your failures.
When the going gets tough, the tough get going. The smart left a long time ago.
It's amazing how much easier it is for a team to work together when no one has any idea where they're going.
I am Dr. Adewole Aremu- a director with the Union Bank of Nigeria in Lagos- and I wish to speak to you most urgently about a matter regarding the sum of $39,000,000 US Dollars...
If we don't take care of the customer, maybe they'll stop bugging us.
Quitters never win, winners never quit, but those who never win AND never quit are idiots.
That which does not kill me postpones the inevitable.
Attitudes are contagious. Mine might kill you.
Much work remains to be done before we can announce our total failure to make any progress.
When your best just isn't good enough.
Every dark cloud has a silver lining, but lightning kills hundreds of people each year who are trying to find it.
Having your moment in the sun isn't always a good thing.
Luck can't last a lifetime unless you die young.