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  • If there's one thing there world needs less of, it's methane dealers. Unfortunately, they're all around us! Like, literally. I'm sitting five feet away from one as I type this! AND IT'S NOT NEARLY FAR ENOUGH AWAY.
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    Breaking Wind

    If you happen to be or love a methane dealer, we've got the t-shirt for you!

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  • THE NSA - In order to save your freedoms, we had to destroy them. Freedom's just another word for nothing left to lose. And guess what? Since you've already got nothing left to lose, surely you won't mind if we help go ahead and relieve you of that freedom, too? You weren't really using it, right? Great, then! I think we're done here! (At least, we will be once we send Despair a Cease and Desist letter, and add all their employees to our watch list of potential agitators…)
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    NSA Freedom

    In order to save your freedoms, we had to destroy them.

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  • Disgusted with the world? Disappointed by life? Of course you are. So why not say it as succinctly, yet eloquently, as possible?
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    Ugh

    Sometimes it just takes three letters (and a period) to express your worldview. This is one of those times.

    Perfect For:

    • Taciturn complainers
    • Warding off conversations with bright-eyed optimists
    • The world-weary, yet fashionable
    • Disaffected college students

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  • Joffrey Lied. People Died. And now, look at all the unnecessary bloodshed that’s taken place in Westeros since King Joffrey decided he knew best how to get ahead. Join us in calling for him to be deposed!
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    Depose Joffrey

    Joffrey Lied. People Died. And now, look at all the unnecessary bloodshed.

    Perfect For:

    • Neeeeeerrrrrrrrrrds!
    • Aspiring politicians who lack the electoral votes necessary to ascend to the Iron Throne of Westeros
    • I don’t know, dragons or unicorns or something
    • Disaffected college students

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  • Like the Hunger Games- many will play. And only one may be left standing.
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    The Drinking Games

    Like the Hunger Games- many will play. And only one may be left standing.

    Perfect For:

    • Parents who are nerdy and drunk enough to name their kids "Katniss" or "Peeta"
    • Thirsty Panemians
    • Disaffected college students

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  • A shirt like this brightens any social gathering. It lets people know they don't have to worry any more. You're here. You're going to make it better- just with your presence. Because you're YOU.
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    I'm Here Now

    Is your very presence a reason for calm? Relief? Joy? Then why not announce it?

    Perfect For:

    • Doctors with messiah complexes, or in other words:
    • Doctors
    • Your ever-expanding ego (note: shirt available in sizes up to 3XL!)
    • Disaffected college students

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  • The first rule of Mime Club is… (What? You can't figure it out? Well, if you're truly stumped, ask a mime to explain it. THEN beat them up. Seriously… You know you want to.)
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    Mime Club

    (If you don't get it, ask a mime to explain. THEN beat him up. You know you want to.)

    Perfect For:

    • Silent Tyler Durden
    • Marcel Marceau
    • Criminals sentenced to spend the rest of their lives in invisible boxes
    • All of us in whom mimes awaken a childlike sense of wonder and an unrelenting sense of terror
    • Disaffected clown college students

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  • "No refunds. Cash in advance." - If you're not exactly rocking the body of a Greek god, this shirt can be an absolute laugh-a-thon. The bigger you are, the funnier it is. (But seriously, if you're all cut and six-packy, don't bother. It'll just make you look like a jerk.)
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    Personal Trainer

    Want to make a quick buck as a fitness trainer without being fit? Ask for cash up front!

    Perfect For:

    • That one guy at your office who won’t shut up about kettle bells and PX90 or whatever
    • Rep. Paul Ryan
    • People who like The Cheesecake Factory, but really wish it had a smoking section
    • Doomed-to-fail dieters
    • Disaffected college students

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  • Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder. Remember those unenlightened times when we called it 'childhood?' Before drug manufacturers had marketing departments? We do!
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    Powered by ADHD

    ADHD. Some of us recall when it used to be called 'being a kid' and didn't require meds.

    Perfect For:

    • Carefree kids and the pharmaceutical companies who see them as cash cows (here’s looking at you, Novartis)
    • Fred Baughman
    • Tom Cruise
    • Disaffected college students

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  • Hilarious, right? It's the perfect conversation starter! But better yet, it's the perfect conversation ender , too! All it takes is a theatrical sigh to unlock it's devastating conversation-destroying power. Use it wisely, friend!
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    Conversation

    Introducing a t-shirt that's as good a conversation starter as a conversation ender!

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  • Are you constantly the Center of Attention? Or do you wish you were? Buy and wear this shirt. We promise you, you will be… (Really, it works! We tried it!)
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    Center of Attention

    Wish you could be the Center of Attention for a change? This shirt can help. Really.

    Perfect For:

    • Adorable toddlers and adults with intellects comparable to same
    • Celebrities not yet tired of being stalked by paparazzi
    • Disaffected college students

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  • Bad news, Vader. Even the awesome power of the Dark Side has its limits. You can't just traipse around the galaxy making baby mamas out of the Queen of Naboo (or was it Na-booty- zing!) and not be responsible! Worse news… It's TWINS!
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    Paternity

    Bad news, Vader. Even the awesome power of the Dark Side has its limits.

    Perfect For:

    • The poor process server who had to deliver that writ of garnishment to the Death Star
    • James Earl Jones and Hayden Christensen (our shirts are available in a wide range of sizes!)
    • Your jerk dad
    • Disaffected college students

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  • General Motors needed a bailout- bigtime. Fortunately, the Federal Government was ready and willing to spend taxpayer money to make it happen. All they asked was a little bit of rebranding. And here it is.
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    Government Motors

    The Feds bailed out General Motors. All they asked in return was a wee bit of rebranding.

    Perfect For:

    • Michael Moore and Roger Smith
    • Chevrolet Volt drivers who have not yet caught on fire
    • Disaffected college students

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  • Until your spread your wings, you'll have no idea how far you can walk. What? You thought you could fly? Look at yourself. You're a flightless waterfowl of a person if we've ever seen one. Stop flapping. You'll be happier. And look less idiotic, too.
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    Limitations

    Until your spread your wings, you'll have no idea how far you can walk.

    Perfect For:

    • Lyle Lovett
    • The Despair, Inc. copywriter who just now realized he has run out of penguin jokes; how come we have so many penguin-themed designs is what he wants to know
    • Disaffected college students

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  • Just because you've always done it that way doesn't mean it's not incredibly stupid. Take the Running of the Bulls. I mean, jeez! It's been going on for a century. Why not just go jogging and not risk perforated spleens. Dumb!
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    Tradition

    Just because you've always done it that way doesn't mean it's not incredibly stupid.

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  • If you think the problems we create are bad, just wait until your see our solutions. One of our most popular Demotivator designs makes the leap to t-shirt form- and did it beautifully! Buy it now, tax-free! (Unless you live in Texas.)
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    Government

    If you think the problems we create are bad, just wait until you see our solutions!

    Perfect For:

    • Democrats (also known as Republicans)
    • Republicans (also known as Democrats)
    • Independents (also known as those of us who can’t read the news without drinking very, very heavily)
    • The sad, sad American taxpayer
    • Disaffected student council presidents

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  • Optimists and Pessimists aren't the only ones with perspectives on a glass! (Oh- and speaking of Perspectives on a Glass... ?)
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    Points of View

    Optimists and Pessimists aren't the only ones with perspectives on a glass!

    Perfect For:

    • Teetotalers who refuse to participate in The Drinking Games
    • Customers who wish all of our glassware was 100% cotton and shirt-shaped
    • General Jack D. Ripper and Group Captain Lionel Mandrake
    • Disaffected college students

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  • Don't bother to look it up. I'm the definition. -- Are you so dang amazing you simply defy conventional superlatives? Then you're WICKEDOSITY, baby! YOU're the definition- and this shirt is your proof… Get it!
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    Wickedosity

    Are you so dang amazing you simply defy conventional superlatives? Here's your shirt!

    Perfect For:

    • Arrogant lexicographers, especially:
    • The snobs at the Oxford English Dictionary who refuse to write an entry for this indisputably bad-ass new word
    • Students of the neologism
    • Disaffected college students

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  • If you don't like my opinion of you, you can always improve. Really. And when you wear this shirt, you'll let others know they can, too. All they have to do is ask. (Actually, they don't even have to ask.)
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    My Opinion

    Do you take self-improvement very seriously- especially when it comes to others?

    Perfect For:

    • Givers of unsolicited advice, which is to say:
    • Every single one of your relatives
    • Whiny Yelp reviewers who wanted to like this shirt, but thought it was just meh
    • Disaffected college students

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  • It's the ultimate knock-knock joke. Stand before people and watch them inevitably ask, 'Who's there?' Then turn and listen to the nervous squeals of laughter as your turn and provide the answer nobody wants, but we'll all get.
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    Knock Knock

    It's the ultimate knock-knock joke. Tell it- and watch the color drain from their faces.

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  • American Industry isn't what it was… Millions of jobs have gone overseas - where American products can be made better, and for less. But at Despair, the pride is back!
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    Made In USA By Robots

    Not all jobs have gone overseas... This t-shirt was Made in the USA! (By robots.)

    Perfect For:

    • Americans who work in the manufacturing industry
    • There are some of you left, right?
    • Anyone? Anyone?
    • OK, then, disaffected college students, we guess

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